First presentations in public

Tonight I discovered one reason why I’m not insane, and possibly more questions pointing to how I could be.

I went out dressed as…I don’t know, you tell me. (These aren’t selfies’ dammit, it’s documentation!…)

First time leaving the house, stubble and all!

I don’t feel insane because it felt totally normal. I wanted to be perceived as more feminine. I first made a stop to a cash machine, an old man was staring, but maybe that’s because I left the car running with Lamb of God’s ‘Ashes of the Wake’ at full volume. I was convincing myself I didn’t give a crap, but I didn’t need to, oh how I laughed!

My female friend who I told was there, and two other male buddies who think whatever they need to. They said I looked good, and the girl knew I was wearing make up, so they probably did too. I kept it casual, male persona, just trying out some stuff, bit of androgyny, blur the lines, mess with peoples’ heads.

What drove me out of the house tonight was sheer compulsion; I actually couldn’t have left the house dressed totally in my mansie’s. When male pronouns are used, I wanted to correct them, another compulsion. I wasn’t doing it for fun, I’m not trying to be shocking or controversial, this…is….just me. Aaaarrggghhh! Maybe people think sometimes that trans-people are playing pretend, that they’re playing dress up, but, it’s not! *Manic laughter* I didn’t feel embarrassed, I didn’t feel ashamed, I felt like myself as ‘normal’.

I wasn’t treated any differently at all, and the ever growing friendship with her is just wonderful, we have a lot of normal stuff to chat about, and she offered to help with make up if I wanted to, too weird right now, talking about it was a bit weird, but only cause I don’t know anything about it. And it’s weird, makeup is weird…but very nice. I can’t pretend anymore that women shouldn’t wear make up because they should just be content to be themselves, make up helps a lot with perception of self-image and expression for me, so it must be similar for cis-girls, otherwise why do it?

Proof!  (Shared with permission.)

I still haven’t been eating properly, and I did go out with glasses with no lenses, so, hahaha, well, maybe I’m still transgender, but I’m just an insane transgender person! That would be better than being just insane

So there, I came out, a bit. A little more each day. I wanted to wear ripped jeans so my red knee socks could be seen, don’t know who for, and damn, one day lipstick, eyeshadow, painted nails.  And curled hair. *Gush* Question, if you have make up on your face and an itchy face, then what the frig do you do? It comes off? I don’t know!

I’m glad I did this tonight, I don’t care how stupid I looked to everyone else, but I saw a little bit of myself as gender-messed in real life, and it is who I have always been afraid to be, so it is me. Somewhat.

The testosterone in my body wants me dead pretty badly, to workout my upper body like old times, but noooooo. Work those legs and abs.

Going through this…..it’s hard to set a pace. I’m trying to do as much research as I can, bought some books, I have this blog to document and try to understand these changes, and really getting a lot from reading other folks’ lovely blogs (Thank you!).

This may seem unstoppable now, but there are many roadblocks on this path I may be on.

If I was presenting as a trans person pretending to be an androgynous male, then who was I after?

Boy?

Hope everyone is having a nice weekend!

Ammmiii..yyy……Jaaammmie.

Eugh, my birth name is Jamie.   I always thought it was a girl’s name so I changed it to Clif after my second name. Turns out I was right?

I hope my transparency doesn’t come to backfire on me, but I honestly don’t care who knows at this point (except family) to some extent that there is something going on with me. I don’t want to be Clif or even Jamie.

But I still can’t sign my name Amy.

Ammii……….Cliiifff………Jaaaa.a….mmm..iieiee..

Unknown.

Gender Fluidity and Androgeny

It’s one of those days where you wake up and you just want the problem to go away. And another day of watching Friends, even though I have to admit I’ve seen them all before >_<

So I look at this word, genderfluid, if I don’t perceive myself as my body sex, then does it have to be one or the other? Well no, but it’s a confusing spectrum, and I have to understand my place on it, without jumping to the conclusions I impulsively think and then repress.

Perhaps I do need medication (not really), definitely some serious counselling. I don’t know if it’s an enforced male ego, or the truth of who I am, but I’m just not that much into girly things…I think. It’s a serious paradox, to think strange thoughts like I’d be a female crossdresser or something equally messed up. Yet when Rachel gets pregnant I’m close to tears, when Pheobe puts on a wedding veil I feel uncomfortable.

I just went to the shop with my hair in a ‘feminine’ part, and a flower on the bobble. When I open my mouth to speak, I hear horror. A young scallybag gives me a laugh, so what?  People have laughed at my long hair for years, jealous of my ultimate heavy metal awesome. Men have had long hair as standard for a lot more of human history than they’ve had it short. Forgive the generalisations.

So, I guess today is a repression day. When I dress up as supposedly female, it’s not the way I would want to dress, it seems like it’s simply for the reassurance that this is me that I have to go that far. I don’t know what I want.. I’m aware, rational, just thoroughly confused, and I should be, you can’t face over twenty years of repression in two weeks, it’s a process.

Now I just have to prevent myself going out looking overly androgynous…but…..why? What does it have anything to do with?! Does it have to do with the way I look like a guy or dress like a guy that I must be a guy?!?! Aaarrgghh!

I have so much better to do with my time, money and body. Life, career, adventures, all the good stuff, and yet stuck on such old stupid crap! No offence to anyone, I’m still not getting why I would have to be something I’m……ah dammit. Says the person whom with baited breath watches the experiences of transgender women, and feels that cold, cold, dread of repression and fear.

Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!

I want my life back!

I’m off to a small gathering at a friends in a few minutes, the parting in my hair is the same, I have this lovely girls coat, my flower bobble, a layer of foundation and some concealer.  Funny how I’m more worried about wearing glasses with no lenses, gee, think I could maybe look silly?

Androgenesis

Oh, no, I am totally masculine, really.

Off I go, to throw sand into the eyes of my own life. No regrets! (Until the regret sinks in).  Arrrggghhhh!!