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Amy’s Enchanted Transition: MTF 5 months on HRT and 1st date!

So I have this little journal where I write down distinguishing HRT changes as I notice them.  This month I’ve had the least to write about, yet I’ve experienced the most profound changes.  They can’t be explained without pouring over microscopic evidence, but now more than ever, when I look at most of my body I can really see it.

Changes Diary

Day 126 – Testicles seem about 60% of original size;  My hips have grown so much that I have to pull trousers around my hips to get them on;  Weight is much more difficult to lose, but my waist still seems slimmer;  My breasts are shinier and squishier.

Day 132 – Wearing a bra is no longer optional, especially if I intend to run down stairs, because ouch.

Day 145 – My head hair is growing very quickly, while most body hair (except facial, public and nipple) is growing in slower and more sparesly; the breast pain has expanded past my areola.  My boobs are much more painfully tender now when touched.

Day 148 – The hair on my arms and legs really is less coarse.


The other changes I’ve noticed have been more experential.  For example, this is by far the coldest winter of my life because my skin is thinner, even though in actual terms the temperature has been fairly average.

My face has changed an awful lot.  Interestingly though I don’t feel it in my mind’s eye; without a mirror I figure myself looking as entirely masculine, and sometimes I have to look in the mirror quite a few times to connect with how my face looks now.  That said, what my face looks like changes considerably at different times of the day, the femininity of which depending on my rest, diet, water intake, and lighting.  These things really make a difference now.  It can be in as little as a few minutes that I perceive my face from looking reasonably female-like to perceiving a very obviously male face.

When I take my clothes off, I now at least see the trans woman that I am.  My features are much softer; my torso, though chunky and mannish, displays undoubtedly feminine curves.  My breasts, though still basically invisible, squish together almost convincingly in certain stances.  Not enough to display cleavage without special effort yet, should I ever wish to do that.

What has changed most is my mindset.  Aside the first week after getting the T-blocker injection which causes intense soul bleeding, I’m still feeling better and better.  Dysphoria is still on the wane, being replaced with giddy high-pitched energy and a still growing desire to dance.  Part of it is clearing up the initial hormonal malaise and taking steps to improve my quality of life, part of it is being able to look at myself in the mirror and having more of a reason to smile.

I feel myself growing as a person.  At points I have felt like a new life has been trying to burst forth from me, a cornucopia of new emotions, hopes, possibilities, where the negative effects of testosterone are becoming so foreign to my mind state that the estrogen effects are creating a whole new world for me.  Instead of imagining that it is changing me as a person, I see it instead as watching a grey world turn colour.  It fuels the imagination, it embraces curiosity, it encourages hope and instigates change.

The one big downer in all of this is my voice.  I haven’t practised in a long time, but I’ve been able to maintain the voice I use, and hold it more consistently for longer periods of time.  It is easier to notice when my pitch is dropping, or my vocalization is slipping deeper into my mouth and throat.  I’m struggling to get that buzz in the lips, but no matter what I do it’s still just not there…it wants to edge towards the precipice but doesn’t know how.  A trans girl with a perfect voice assured me recently that my voice ‘isn’t masculine’ and I believe her, it’s just not feminine either.  I ought be thankful, some girls are unable to reach the point that I’m at so how can I complain.  Still, I’m putting increasingly more time and effort into practice again; it’s draining, but it’s very worth it.

As such, I seem to end up presenting in a way that gets me gendered in public very rarely.  People seem to go out of their way to not say ‘Sir’ or ‘Miss,’ ‘he’ or ‘she.’  My clothing options can vary in terms of assumed gender identifiers, and is usually very casual, most often without make up.  I try to wear a trans badge when I go out, just so I don’t have to feel threatened at being described in male terms.

queerbadges

Even so, I don’t really care what others’ think.  Call it confidence, or casual arrogance. On those days I seem to be provocative enough to warrant stares, I stare back and smile, and when they walk past I laugh, because the whole thing is absurdly funny.  I mean, breaking free of extreme gender constraints seems so menial, yet it is seen as a deviant revolution.  Staring is no biggie anyways, because people will stare at you for all sorts of reasons, for being attractive, for being large, for being impaired, for having a strange hairstyle, for wearing a hat.

Who cares?  I honestly got more abuse in years past for being seen as a man with long hair.  Then, as now, I walk in public with a smile on my face, embracing the worst, sliding past unavoidable scowls.  Everyone looks strange, especially the folks who see themselves as ‘normal.’  Besides, not knowing that I was trans for 28 years can easily lead me to believe that any apparent cis person could be trans and either not know it, or is repressing it.

So why be scared.  I’m starting to enjoy fear again because I understand its’ nefarious agenda.  I hear friends speak of dysphoria as demons and dragons when really it is just worms and shadow-puppets.  Fear in many situations is the force that tries to stop you from doing something you really want to do, or that would benefit you.  Fear is its’ own worst enemy, because it reminds you of those things you really want, it knows you can do all that you dream of, which is why it masquerades as these terrifying monsters, because fear has no power when you simply say ‘no’ to it.

Confidence I think is a massive factor, and the phrase ‘fake it till you make it’ really resonates. Confidence doesn’t mean flamboyance or attracting attention, it means walking down the street with your eyes up; being able to smile and chat with shop assistants. It is doing simple things in simple situations and making them….well, simple for you. Confidence shows that you know what you are doing is right, and you can do it, proudly.


Over the knife

Such is life on HRT.  Five months passing so slowly that now seem in the blink of an eye, finally appreciating the understanding and knowledge shared by other women much further ahead, the envy of my own self a year ago.

My second opinion for GRS by fortune got moved forward by 3 months to May, which heralds the beginnings of proceeding to surgery.  Sure, it may be still years away yet, but once that ball starts rolling, much deadlier realities come into play.

I’ve spent the past few months laying groundwork for the surgeries I need, think I need, and want.  This plan has changed a lot on postulizing about individual GRS surgeons, breast augmentation surgeons, tracheal shave surgeons, FFS surgeons, vocal surgeons.  It changed even more when I open my purse and remembered I don’t have £50,000+ just lying around to be picky.

I’m coming round to the idea that NHS funded GRS can be a viable option.  It is a tough tough tough choice when I think I could get better results elsewhere, yet might settle because it’s either NHS or nothing.  This is a lifelong decision, not just to have the operation, but how to get it.

For now, that is all I am focused on.  Breast surgery doesn’t feel like a good idea until at least a year after GRS (to see if the removal of testicles produces enhanced HRT results), FFS isn’t a major concern worth saving for right now, trachael shave will come with time, and vocal surgery is just a bad idea to begin with and I’m giving myself at least another year of vocal training before I have to admit it may be a necessity.

Aside that, it’s getting difficult to say much more about the experience of being trans.  I was never in the closet, I don’t get grief on the streets, I’m not discriminated against professionally or medically, I don’t have issues with my family and friends, I have less issues with my body and dysphoria.  I’m incredibly lucky and privileged, all I can say is that I still didn’t think I could do it, yet my transition is becoming more and more of a success.

You see those before and after shots of transition and think, how did they manage to do that?  I could never do that!  Yet, that’s most likely what they thought, and they did it.  That’s what I thought and I did it [; I’m finally feeling it.  After 5 months of HRT, I actually feel it, I am so undoubtedly female that there is little left to consciously doubt].  If that’s what you think, you can do it.

The pictures below are separated by 18 months – the last photos I took of myself before I realised I was trans, and photos from a few days ago, drunk, at 6am.:

transitioncollage1

Pretty wow, huh?!  There was not a day when the person on the left thought I could be anything like the person on the right.  And yet there it is.  It was down to no special, magical effort on my part, it came down to understanding who I was and doing what I could raking through fields of broken glass until I unearthed my potential.  It’s not as difficult to do as it looks.  Lots of small changes.

Granted I haven’t stepped fully into the public domain with regard to employment and the potential difficulties there.

When it comes down to the world of dating and relationships, I have been at sea for so long it seems like I’ll never even have a peek of genuine interest again, let alone an actual date…

…except for this past week, when I went on a date.


Date Night

Yes, an actual date.  The only date I’ve had outside of a relationship in my entire life, except for maybe that time when I was 14 and was totally oblivious it was a date and the fly on my jeans was down the entire time anyway.

I met an intelligent, charming, attractive girl on a dating website.  After wafting through the perverts and the time wasters I came across someone I just had to find out more about.  We chatted via email, she suggested coffee and that suggestion turned into drinks.

Getting ready for a date as a woman is fun, terrifying and time consuming.  I needed an outfit, eyebrow waxing, hair fixing, make up…ok I didn’t need to do any of these things, but I wanted to look like I was making the effort as much as I actually was making the effort.

A good friend helped me pick out a dress, straightened my hair, even did my make up, all whilst calming me down and reassuring me.  I even wore heels for the second time ever.

We met at a bar, had a cocktail and were chatting immediately.  I have a great tool for having conversations with people, it’s called asking questions.  I was my typical weird self but she wasn’t fazed by this, and I was enthralled with how openly she shared her life with me.

After a while we hit a quieter bar, drinking until the wee hours with nary a moment of silence or wasted conversation.  At closing time we got some take out food and went to her house.  We sat up drinking tea until 6am when we decided it was sleepy time and I got a taxi home.

This for me is a great success.  I don’t want to kiss on a first date, and I was honest with her about my sexuality issues.  However, I’m not sure the issue is my sexuality, it’s more, how would I have sex now?

The first thing I have to do is back it way up.  I still struggle with attraction to begin with.  Since our date we have been in regular contact and I feel that excited little buzz in my belly, and I think she is interested in me too.  Holding hands is an intense experience for me, let alone the idea of a kiss.  I figure the answer is, if I’m with someone, we are comfortable, sexually attracted to each other and decide to be sexual, then we appreciate and help each other understand our explicit boundaries and I try to learn what I still like, and what is new that I might be prepared to try and enjoy.

That stuff is all potential for another time and not relevant at the moment.  Right now, I’m most excited to be getting to know this woman more and to share time together.  This coming week we have another date at the museum then we’re going for lunch.  I’ve never understood rushing dating; if something is meant to be then you have all the time in the world to explore it.

I find it very interesting to be dating someone the same gender as me. Gender roles for straight cis folk feel like a parachute drop into a cage of historical safety, where more often than not, the male is ‘the man’, and the female is ‘the woman’, each term coming with its own set of assumed responsibilities and perks. I always hated that. Whereas in this queer scenario, we are both individuals, we bring who we are to the table, rather than what we are – it is more nerve-wracking and initially jarring, but ultimately I hope it can foment greater openness, understanding, and shared responsibility.

My life is no more difficult than it ever was.  My gratitude for this sense of regularity is abundant and growing.  Please let my story show you that you can live truly and freely no matter what your position or age. I’m hardly a trans veteran, but in less than two years I’ve learned so much and forged a vastly more authentic life.  If there is a way you think I can help you, or a topic you’d like me to get into more gory depth about, please get in touch at unexpectedamy@outlook.com

Life is lived best when you live it as your truest self, and love yourself for who you are.

Namaste,

Amy Xx

 

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18 thoughts on “Amy’s Enchanted Transition: MTF 5 months on HRT and 1st date!

  1. Brilliant blog post, as always.

    I’ve already gushed about how happy I am regarding your date so I’ll not repeat myself here, but I will say those before/after photos are mind blowing. I am so, so happy for you that everything is working out. I know you’ve struggled a lot in the year-or-so that we’ve known each other but right now everything seems like it’s moving in the right direction and that’s amazing to see. You deserve this 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Raye says:

    I loved this whole post! So inspiring! It made me smile 🙂 also, I so feel you on queer relationships. My first queer relationship was so freeing for the exact reasons you say; we were bringing who we were to the table without any kind of predetermined script or role. Nerve wracking sometimes but amazing always 🙂 your date sounds SO CUTE and I can’t wait to read more 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for the lovely comment 🙂 I really hope I get a chance to explore a relationship with this girl. I still have a lot of male conditioning when it comes down to it, but I think it can serve me rather than hurt me. I asked if I could treat her to lunch this week and she said she’d get lunch next time. When it comes to discussions about boundaries etc, we are able to have very open honest conversations that a lot of cishet relationships wouldn’t. It’s very interesting, or like you say, amazing!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. WOW Amy, it’s wonderful to read your news. The change revealed in your photos is breathtaking, it’s a joy to see the woman emerging so clearly.

    I am 4 months behind you and much older, but your diary raises my hopes that real change will come within a year. One tip, if you do consider NHS surgery, be aware of the horrendously long delays for a first appointment – I have to wait 13 months.

    Thank you for the detailed updates you post; they are really helpful and inspiring.

    Go well.

    Michele

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Michelle, thank you for the comment, I’m so glad it has given you a little extra hope! You’re on the real magical journey right now, I don’t think age is so much of a big deal as is made out, considering how far anyone can ever go. Change will come for you, and with patience and gratitude I hope come to love yourself more each day, and grow ever closer to yourself.

      Thanks for the advice also, It’s gonna be a long wait, yet we’ve already waited so long that I know we can do it!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Ah Amy, your blog posts are always so refreshing!! I love the idea of wearing a badge out – I definitely need to do this! Also, you’re looking fantastic and you also look SOOOOO much happier in your 5 months on HRT photos than you do in your pre-transition photos 🙂 x

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    • Thanks Naomhan, you’re a star! I want my cup to overflow so I can share it with as many as possible, there’s so much in life to love and be grateful for. However, I also know the flipside, and how all the bad days can add up and make things difficult.
      The good news is, content is a more natural mindstate than depression, and I’m really rooting for you because I so empathize and I just know there’s too much of you that needs to burst forth to keep you back for long!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m here on a recommendation – I may even read from the beginning (though I sneaked a look at the first entry already). I’ve answered most of my questions – is transgenderism real? (Yes), am I real? (Maybe), is society real? (not likely). I turned 37 on the 1st of February and went to my G.P. today for a referral (I have to see a psyche first before a GIC because I’m in Wales)… though I initially brought it up with my G.P. in July 2014 – so I had a bit of a pause for thought (!) before taking any step with the NHS. I’ve accepted the dissapointment that gender is real and I was in the wrong one, impaled myself with Transgender and until I could accept it and be part of it, planned it all out, told most people – just I’ve never been a girl before… meh – it’ll be alright 😛 …I don’t actually intend to change all that much (apart from every cell in my body!). My emotions are as mixed as Rutger Hauer at the end of Blade Runner… time to leave one arcane for another… preferably a bit more hammy and fun! 😀 My hobbies are Science, Kung Fu and House Work (I’ll combine them all one day – lazy as I am…)

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  6. So good to read your positivity, you have come so far and things just keep getting better. The date sounds exactly like what you needed and I feel your happiness shining through. Good luck and congrats on the photos, you look fab!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. (I’ll just tentatively leave another comment if that’s okay…?) – It’s crazy isn’t it… Managed to digest quite a bit of your blog – you write very well and convey what it’s like basically (!)… I remember what I was like when I first started to come to terms with it all and thinking that really I should consider going down the gender transition road (was actually around the same time as you started with your blog and vlogs). It’s nuts. It’s very difficult to get your head around – like a transgender virus that was dormant has suddenly exploded in my mind… and there’s nothing I can really do to stop it – it’s me, but at the same time it’s something else apart from me that is driving me… phewwwwwww…

    I expect you’re still on the rollercoaster but you must feel in a good place right now? 5 months down the line on HRT. I was reading that the brain becomes significantly feminized within 3 months, and after about a year the brain is totally feminized… I expect it is the same with the rest the body… I’ve been thinking about Real-Life Experience (RLE). Apparently these days you don’t need to do the minimum 3 months RLE to get HRT… but just on what I said above, after 3 months HRT someone is already getting well on their way with gender transition – things like the appropriate dress (male clothes may not fit anymore :P) and using the appropriate toilets would have to be dealt with by then, as well as voice and what name you’ll be using…. we’re only human – it’s gonna take time to adjust to pronouns and so on, which means that – although you don’t have to start RLE before getting HRT – you really have to consider the practical logistics of gender transition.

    It’s all up in the air for me at the moment. I have all the pieces – some are more hazy than others – but I need to think about how to piece them all together.

    I’m having to take a first step already (the hair on my bonce is starting to thin, so I’m having to take medication for that to see me through ~~~). But my conscious is still playing catch up…

    It’s nuts, it really is. I’ve thought about it and thought about. Considered lots of things to get to where I am. Once I’ve figured out all the transition logistics I kind of will have considered most things (this is by far the most I’ve ever planned anything in advance LOL). It’s like a mad addiction I can’t control or as basic as the need to eat, drink, sleep and breath. It’s all things at the moment.

    I’m trying to not make it like a process – like I want to feel what I am doing, be present in my decisions… it’s hard though… I can see that I am just going to have to take a leap of faith and just go with it to a certain extent. Big Dipper here we goooooooooooo!!!!!!!…….

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    • Hey! Thanks loads again for the digestible comments 😀

      Mmm, I have been thinking recently how I still resist what the dysphoria asks for, I don’t like to be coerced by it. Having a reasonable idea now of some of the changes that happen, I look ahead and wonder, if I can still ‘look female’ at some point even in the silly generic clothes I wear, would I let it happen, would I let myself pass? Because it’s all brain chemistry stuff, I don’t forget about everything I am, and how surreal and absurd the whole thing is! I guess it’s that whole not getting taken quite as seriously anymore thing.

      I seem to have had an interesting experience where upon attaining the knowledge that I am female I started transition immediately, so RLE wasn’t an issue really for me. The key is, when do you want/need to transition? I had the fortune of having nothing to lose, so in your case only you can know what you think you might need. You’ll make tons of mistakes, hopefully just little ones, and the more of those the better because that’s how you learn.

      Also, waiting is only something I’m beginning to learn about. I was fast-forwarded to HRT for whatever reason (read: a year), although now with backlogs to the endo meaning backlogs to surgery meaning other backlogs I’m getting it. So far as I’m aware, the lists are going to be a lot longer where you are and anyone I know on the waiting list has decided to go private in the meantime.

      I’m in an ok place right now, thank you for asking. 5 months of hormonal mayhem and an upside down life can really do a lot of hurt but I’m pulling out of it now I think. I mean, six months, how often do you feel you remember about what was happening and how you were feeling a lot of the time for sure 6 months ago? Memories fade and the now takes over. What will it be like in another 6 months, in a year, 2 years, forever. Even just distancing myself from the old way of living and taking in what I can of living a ‘female life’ keeps me connected to my transition. With HRT, well, I’ve always been blaze about it; many will agree, it feels like it has done a lot, but it doesn’t look like it’s done a lot. Is the pressing din of dysphoria there, yes, it always will be, but it doesn’t speak as loudly now; it still bring me down it’s path, but we are the travelers, not the condition.

      There is plenty you can do and learn in the interim, the classics, tons of research and bookmarks, trial and error with whatever styles you wanna play around with, lots of self-love, trying to cover your bases, staying on top of finances. My male clothes fit just fine, I wear them often enough, they just don’t look good, but I don’t make any excuse and I live confidently with pronouns and all that stuff and I let people know when it is pertinent. Although, through my transition I tend to bring it up often enough because it is often relevant to discussions. My trick is to let peoples know before they have a chance to board the misgendering train. But again, I am lucky with my body and have suffered many less indignities than many trans women. It’s all about being safe, and having safe environments to express yourself.

      Is my brain feminized? That’s a dangerous thing to talk about. Yes, my brain has changed as much as it will from a changing of sex hormone – if it had an effect on my cognition beyond my awareness, well, I wouldn’t be aware of it, but I notice sub-conscious behavioural changes beyond those that came from just living freely. I’m not going to call them feminine however, just consequential.

      This is probably the most I tried to plan anything in advance, but it’s also important to accept that everything can’t be planned for, which is a good thing because it opens the door to gender adventures. Once the ball truly gets rolling, there’s lots of appointments and doing things, but once you are doing it for a good long while it kind of becomes second nature. Apart from having a list of all my appointments, I haven’t really had to do anything new for maybe about 8 months now.

      It can be a juddering life change, so as well as doing all the transitiony stuff, the most important things are maintaining your relationship with yourself and maintaining your relationships with the people in your life, and if you can, building new relationships with cis and trans people alike who will support you graciously 🙂

      The whole point of this venture is, dysphoria or not, to live in the way most adapted to who you are, that takes time, patience, experimentation and lots of other really nice qualities to build. I suppose dysphoria is the pain of not living as ‘yourself’, I like to try and think that it’s trying to help me, and that it’s really me hurting myself. I can’t do much about dysphoria anyway…but I can learn to be nicer to myself.

      Gosh, long response!

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Wow! – Thanks for the long reply… I just read it quickly (I’ll read it again). I first saw my GP about Gender Transition back in July 2014 – I wasn’t just dipping my toe in the water, I was all ready to launch full into changing my physical gender. But I paused and said I’d come back to ask for a referral if I thought that was right… I had in mind maybe a few months thinking about it, but low and behold it took me until February of this year (2016). Still I’ve asked for a referral now 😛 I half wonder whether I wasted time thinking or saved myself strife with confidence and dysphoria (“would I be a woman?” and all that) for the future in life by resolving quite a few things now (I think anyway) …I really should read more of your blog before asking anything else as there seems loads that you say about the whole thing with the thing, plus I appreciate that people write blogs to be read. Thanks again. (:

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  9. Hi Amy… I am conscious I’ve left three replies already in the last couple of weeks. I don’t want to fill up your in tray with waffle. But I’d just like to thank you for writing this Blog of yours. You’ve already replied to me about where I am at the moment with transition etc… so you don’t need to reply again (I’ve saved your reply on my computer – It was quite long but informative and positive, so thanks for that). I feel I am stepping from one phase to another and have been in a bit of limbo – it has been helpful to me to read your thoughts, feelings and experiences (there is a lot there – I feel I have skirted over some things I could have dwelled on more). I’ll definitely continue to read up to where things are now. I am happy you’re trying a relationship with somebody – I hope it goes well. Who am I? – I’m a stranger hoovering up transness, and your story has been part of that. I read your entry for the 12th of September 2015 (when you had a pretty uncomfortable interaction with another trans person) – I couldn’t help getting emotional at that (tears as well)… not just for you but I know it’s hard. I have had barely any interaction with any other trans people. I am kind of a loner anyway, but still I have had very little to do with the community. I’ve followed Isley Reust, Grishno, Zinnia Jones, A Girl For All Seasons and that’s about it and barely communicated with them (and always feel like I probably said something I probably shouldn’t have). The last blog I read was actually of a Trans woman very near to me, and I actually met her in person at a Trans support group (I had no idea she was trans – I thought she was here with her husband… she didn’t start transiting until well into her 40’s as well… so there’s hope… though she is tiny anyway – I’m not big, but she is a lot smaller than me). But she wants to move on – as though she had never been a male… so I am hesitant to bother her unless it is an emergency. But she was pure gold – I’m glad I met her. I’ve only been to that trans support group once – it was awful, it was just a pub basically. I was in bits, it was a noisy environment, there was a mix of cross-dressers (a few were fetish) and trans people there but they were all a lot older than me. Some were ok but others were just a bit crazy – it didn’t feel like an ideal environment at all for me trying to come to terms with basically thinking I’m a transsexual. But I think it was worth it overall… but I don’t feel like going back there. I am hesitant to make friendships but I feel I should try and reach out. I’ve mainly concentrated on writing stuff up for the medical profession to pour over – so a lot of the stuff I have written up is pretty dry in comparison to your blog. I’ve written loads – I’m not sure what to do with it to be honest. I’m nobody really. I have no influence in the trans community. I’ve largely tried to figure things out on my own (I’ve got to live with the decisions I make at the end of the day). Is it possible to Transition alone though – is it even wise? I don’t know?. I am gradually uploading what I have to WordPress – it’s very pragmatic.. people could take or leave it (I am sure there is offending or unqualified material in it)… I wouldn’t say it is a how to guide, but it is very generic – it is basically something I wish I had before I started on this journey. It is great reading people’s blogs and watching people’s vlogs and even interacting – it gives a perspective you just can’t buy (if all you wanted was info – like a vampire sucking trans knowledge up LOL!). But I’ve personally found getting into the whole trans arena very difficult – it does feel like a bit of a cult (of course it isn’t mainstream). I am grateful in a way for the medical profession – despite all the problems… it does add some normality – it is just a medical condition (the very words my doctor used actually when I saw him about it). I don’t know what I am doing – I’ve ended up leaving a massive comment here. I don’t want to drag anyone into my vortex. I am fine though basically and just mulling through all the transness. I am only here randomly anyway (thanks to Naomhán Just leaving a link on on [it’s terrible – I don’t know the correct pronoun to use!] I’ll just say her, not the right pronoun I know, sorry, on her blog after seeing her on youtube). I’ve been through a lot with life in general – more than most people have… and I am still going through it really. My life scares people – I remind them of the pitfalls. I am still here though. I don’t know – 13.85 Billion years later, matter by way of a modern relationship between my parents, spawned myself :P… through a mixture of just being human and being fortunate to know and realise certain things, I am still surviving and just keep going. It has been good to read your philosophy – we can always forget and I am as forgetfull as anyone else… mental health is a bit of a skill I think – it takes practice and you can always slip up. Despite everything I’ve been through (honestly – for your sake – it is on a need to know basis that you should understand some of these things… you’re wise, but still young – listen to me patronising you!) – My god I am still writing shit 😛 … I’ll just end by saying (“thank god they are finishing” you must be thinking) – but despite my lows and what I’ve learned and how to cope with some really hard life lessons and let downs… Transgender has still been hard – in fact if it wasn’t for what I had been through already I would have struggled a lot more I think. Being transgender is a great leveller and certainly well up there with life’s challenges in my opinion. I took me a year to get my head round it really – I know technically it’s just taking some HRT pills (talk about anti-climax!)… but it is HUGE. Anyway I’ll get lost. I don’t know what I am doing in this on-line world. I don’t know who to trust? What I am doing? I don’t even trust myself really – I used to be pretty quiet but the on-line world seems to have unleashed a manic side of me that I don’t advise strangers to interact with. Anyway, I’m not into metal… I am more of your blips beats and urban techno (90’s throw-back basically). Sure I know ‘Iron Man’ – but for me to pretend to be into metal would be an ultimate corruption that would reveal how shallow I would have become (sure the metal crowd is great – it is just not my lineage that’s all). Well, that’s my randomness over – for what it’s worth. I’m sure I’ll be back to your blog (I won’t leave such massive self-indulgent comments – I should really be more respectful!). Thank you again and I wish you well and good luck for the future… and well, if it all goes bad – I am at least someone who has survived (whoever the unsubstantiated person I am) worse than you seem to have experienced… so y’know it is at least do-able. I can’t say much for the PTSD. Humanity has been through a lot though and that survival instinct runs through us still (thank f*ck). The best advice I can give is to read and create when the shit hits the fan… even something you felt was pointless could find it’s way in the future for yourself or forming some kind of connection with someone else. Anyway. I leave it there before I embarrass myself (if I haven’t all ready). Sigh. Cheers and best wishes – from one scary human to another J Life is a wonderful thing – never forget that. Peace. Love. ARGH! <3.

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