Over 3 months on hormones. The promised land.
Dysphoria is no longer a constant edginess, instead it is a process of random stabs by strangers and mirrors. Strangers and mirrors are what remind me I am trans, otherwise it wouldn’t be a common topic.
On the cusp of nearly passing some of the time. Not enough to convince an employer or a partner, not enough to convince myself. However, plenty of opportunities to express with a lot less fear.
The last few months have been a series of downs and downs, I have literally lost myself, and it’s ok. All the new connections in my brain will take time, like it or not, who I am as a person is changing. This is a reactive change to the new internal information coming to me rather than a change in the self, more of an adaptation than a transformation. Embrace this time of teenage chaos.
Face changes, breasts grow, hips grow, skin softens, some hair grows slower and more sparsely. All a little bit. Remembering the limitations, merely these few physical factors continuing for a little while longer before they settle.
Laser appointments, voice appointments, therapy appointments, counselling appointments, nurses appointments. Other appointments. All of which are painful either physically or mentally and cannot be missed once. Each one bringing me closer to ever more invasive and dangerous procedures.
Then some operations. Then what?
Transitioning and being transgender only topped my list of concerns from the brief period last year when I had my realisation until recently when HRT started taking effect. There are other problems, just as big; life goals, relationship goals, career goals. The transition process ends, more rapidly and more silently than the excitement of initial anticipation quixotically dreams, after that, you are left with whatever your transition didn’t distract or frustrate you from.
Dysphoria doesn’t put food on the table, neither does changing gender, but transition in a way that is right for an individual can provide an almost means to an almost end to allow a life as far away from gender as one wants to be. It will always be there though; if trans, always trans.
It is a strange double world when some people treat you as male and others as female, the dynamic has changed more for others than it has for me. Many people see transfolk as weirdoes, but when you see the world from this multi-faceted view you can learn a lot about how individuals and groups work, how they perceive. Think of it as an added bonus filter that could get you killed.
Leaving the house can be difficult when hair starts to resprout from the face, when the drugged listlessness strikes, when I look so stupid or unpassable that it’s not worth it. Yet still, those times when I can go out are liberating – cafes, bars, clubs, gigs, restaurants, etc etc, just even walking down the street provides comfort, awareness, glee, fear and so many complex emotions. Always looking around, gauging presentation based on stares or lack thereof, constantly aware. And then at times, letting go, smiling gently, dancing, conversing, feeling as close to the earth as anyone else, yet rising closer to the sky.
Personally, I still feel at ground zero, not as trans as the other trans transing at the same time as me. My voice is ghastly, and my spirit is low for other reasons. This transition in terms of truly embracing it has not even begun; the affects as well as the effects progress and accelerate at a rate faster than my understanding but slower than my comprehension.
This will all start working out once I build a life to have a place in, a purpose, a reason, someone to share it with. My body screams for affection not received which I feel I need, wasted opportunities to share and understand my changing body. I am advised by my gender therapist to give that love to myself, to feel the changes on my body. For instance, in the shower, I would tend to wash myself as quickly as possible and get out, but to spend an extra couple of minutes just considering my body for what it is now can bring me much closer to myself.
I still try to label my gender at times, but thinking about it just causes confusion. My sexuality is coming back slowly but it is very different in terms of expression; orientation, still no idea, and I’m not particularly interested.
My sexuality is no longer located in my groin. The energy that was located in that one place has now spread through the entirety of my skin, it is lustless electricity that cannot be immediately joined with yet must be given attention. It is new and confusing, but it takes time to get to grips with, there’s no rush. Learning to let go of old habits and procedures is nothing to be afraid of, becoming vulnerable is not a weakness, it is an expression of truth.
Regardless, all that matters is how you feel. I feel like I’m evening out a little recently, although friends say it takes usually around 6 months before things settle in a way. Take advantage of every opportunity. I’m back in therapy again and I will keep going back until I deal with issues that have plagued me since before I knew I was trans. This is no time to be ashamed, but to relinquish control and find new ways of dealing with this most unique morphing of sensory inputs.
My past is almost gone, aside from dealing with these two problems, my old life has unexpectedly almost shed its’ skin entirely. I don’t remember whether I can recall what it was like before, but it doesn’t make sense who I was, a phantom, simply my same self under a different set of hormonal attributes, pushing against the new boundaries attempted to be set upon me because of my identified gender.
Onto Amy’s lovely journal of changes, which are mostly boob centric:
Day 64 – Waist certainly seems slimmer, apparently lost an inch in two months and added over an inch to my hips, amplifying the effect.
Day 65 – Lumps in left nipple formed a hard, circular but unnoticeable mound.
Day 66 – Have my breasts grown more than I was aware? The flesh around there seems fattier, though imperceptibly so to anyone else.
Day 67 – Did some star jumps with my top off. I saw in the mirror that my nipples are no longer firmly attached to my chest. They bounced, moved and jiggled. It didn’t look good, but it was funny.
Day 74 – Feeling ‘breast’ more often now, most noticeably when lying on my side or bending over. They aren’t man boobs, but they aren’t female either. They point out, are very painful to touch and are shaped around my male pectoral muscle.
Day 77 – My nipples popped back out to normal, the whole area is now undeniably protruding from my chest.
Day 81 – My breasts have already grown more than I ever expected they could. As the most observably changing part of me right now I find myself growing somewhat obsessed.
Day 82 – I was told I ‘definitely’ have a woman’s bottom.
– I feel as though my eye colour has changed, from an almost black brown to a lighter brown. My eyelash hair is also darker and thicker. Objectively I think they look softer, more naturally beautiful.
– My body shape is no longer a complete rectangle; I nip in just a little at the waist and out a little more at the hips. Did I mention back fat? My bum has grown and changed pretty quickly, I just haven’t noticed it happening. The fat displacement certainly is more ‘feminine.’
– I look reasonably feminine in the face even with my hair up. Somehow spending even more time looking in the mirror but now I look with awe sometimes, and I can say to myself, ‘I’m a woman, I’m actually a woman.’ Silly, but hopeful.
– The buds are becoming closer to a female type breast shape.
Day 94 – Been having sex dreams, slowly my sexuality is beginning to awaken again but in an entirely new way. My sexual energy is located all over my body than just in my groin, and my desires are no longer lustfully hungry. However, the desire for physical affection is very strong. I had my first ‘female’ orgasm, which is detailed in a video below.
Day 100 – Here is what 100 days of 2mg estrogen has done to my face (be aware of the face shaping effects of laser and better kept eyebrows):
Day 104 – Some friends noticed they can see the outline of my breasts through my clothes, and that my bum is very womanly bending over, hahaha.
I have also recorded a very badly put together video of my general experiences over the last month and a half:
I am honestly still in a bit of a daze, like my head is in the clouds and I cannot explain what is happening as well as I would like to, although it is so difficult to attach qualifiable data in any state. There are still many seeming contradictions. Also, I’m trying to keep being trans in the background as much as possible as I sort out other areas of my life.
Still, it is important to remember that even in the background, being trans and transitioning is centre stage in my life right now. That means acknowledging my body, indulging in little treats to boost my morale like cheap accessories, baths, coffee dates. I try to take the opportunity of as many experiences as possible, to keep learning about who I am in differing situations.
Gender isn’t all that is changing, my flower grows, ever sturdier, ever more colourful, ever more reaching for the sun.
I realise as often as I can how lucky I am, some doors have closed in my life, but many more are opening. I have the pleasure and honour of having met some amazing and beautiful transfolks on my journey, as well as revelling in the momentous support that is freely offered from family and friends.
We will find our place wherever we go, if not, we will make one.
Thanks for reading, and thank you all so much for the continued support that keeps me going. I’m sending out big waves of love to you all!
Here is a fun video about some interesting orgasms I’ve been having. Don’t worry, it’s not dirty, although I have to apologise for the quality.