Uncategorized

Should You Transition? 3 Tips For Gender Questioners

I’m reblogging this too, fantastic three points and I’ve learned a lot. It is important to make the process personal, transition ought detail personal values, not societal ideals. There is perpetual balancing, so the less burdens we try to carry, the freer we are. Thank you for this post, it feels like a bedrock article and should be widely read.

Today I Am A Man

We’re not the only ones who go through metamorphosis. Maria Sibylla Merian, 1705. Thanks to Alma for pointing me to Merian’s work. Source.

Whether to undergo gender transition is a profound and challenging decision. It’s a question each gender-variant person has to answer for themself. As someone whose life has been transformed for the better by transition, I wanted to share a few ideas that might be useful to those wondering where to go next.

First, a reframe. In most cases the question is not so much, “Should I transition?” but rather “How should I transition?” In the broadest sense, transition is a process of personal growth and change in which we adjust our lives, self-expressions, bodies and social roles to foster a healthier, happier and more harmonious existence. The list of possible transition steps is endless, and no two transitions are exactly alike. For some folks, transition…

View original post 911 more words

Standard
gender, transgender

Make me choose.

I will share a personal journal entry.

February 13th 2015

‘Ok, dude, what is going on?  Why does nobody tell me I’m insane?  Where are the legitimate challenges except those I present to myself?  I am a person with gender dysphoria, I am male, my mind compels me to know myself as female.

The labels shift and change, yet I find myself attempting to be philosophically gender neutral whilst calling myself a masculine female, or even an autogynephillic female, that is, a female that fantasises about being male but is comfortable as female.

It may make me seem schizophrenic, but I feel I am observing my unconscious gender like a VHS video, playing clips of my female self, seeing much the same life, but as female.  Why!

Dysphoria is really grating, almost 24/7 without getting really engrossed in something.  Even then, pursuits are pictured as natal female, though it seems more easily accepted in a relaxed state.

It really just won’t stop so why am I not mentally ill?  How is someone suffering from this another sex/gender?  If only there was a medication to make this feeling go away?  Then, would it not revoke a lifetime of identity in favour of not dealing with your problems?

From the outside, the cry is that I ought deal with my problems by not transitioning and receiving considerable mental help; others revere in the confident self-identification and challenging of cultural gender normatives; and still others don’t care.

The thing is, knowing this condition especially now will continue ad infinitum, then it is important to make a decision on what to do.  Here’s a simple trans formula :-

  • Your brain has told you day and night at times (or at all times) for much, most or all of your entire life since memory that you are the opposite gender.
  • You have a revelation that this is a legitimate and dangerous personal issue, do research, and discover the feeling may persist your entire life without intervention.
  • Therapy, anti-depressants, even electro-shock doesn’t work, yet hormone therapy seems to greatly abate the intensity of these pervasive symptoms.
  • There is the requirement of a real life test in many societies, living in the gender ‘role’ opposing your birth sex, which opens the door for hormones and potentially surgery.
  • Dysphoria may still exist to an extent after the various treatment options run their course.  You will still have to find the way to a content and prosperous life regardless of the choices you make.

So, I dunno, say, a pill that removes the dysphoria yet maintains those supposedly exceptional gender identifiers?  What would you do then?  I guess it may not work – if I still thought about being female all the time and it didn’t bother me, I’d be very worried about how not worried I was.  This is why I hate anti-depressants; the bad thoughts are there but without the feeling.  Depression and dysphoria are ways the body tells you something is wrong.

Maybe if I just had hormones without transition things would be ok then?  I don’t know but it could make dysphoria worse or better for some.  Still, even if that didn’t work it doesn’t account for how I present publicly as female now before even having the offer of hormones.  For a binary trans type such as myself, both seem like necessities to an extent, even if I feel like a girl who thinks it could be fun to be a boy.  (Beyond unconscious sex characteristics, I just want to express myself as I am, screw repression!)

The entire experience is far from being fun, nor was that the intent.  This is serious business not whim.  Yet even in the future, what could the alternative be?  Some space age procedure of ‘legitimate’ chromosomal sex changes for clinically proven trans children, or just wiping us all out in the womb as an abnormality?

It seems now trans folk have an opportunity not seen before nor likely to be seen in such a way again, to be visible and accepted to the greatest extent possible, to express, find life and love as equals, then move on.

Still, I disconnect between my transition and reality.  I am not female, I was raised a male now with the messed up task of learning a greater extent of traditional female identifiers to a greater standard without ANY of the knowledge or real-time experience whatsoever.  I feel that had I been born female I would not have wanted to learn these things either.  But we both bloody have to!  I hear the groans of many genetic and trans female versions of myself in unison through the many potential parallel universes.

I’ve never really got gender anyway, I can’t consciously spot the difference, just the regular unconscious cues.  It doesn’t really matter what I think, subconsciously my brain says female.  It doesn’t say monkey, dolphin or Sub-Saharan, that would be insane.

Autumn Asphodel put it brilliantly, you are not alone, so many people feel this in such similar ways.  Many transition, many think about it.

Tap.  Tap.  Tap.  If you are cis- you hear nothing, but as trans, I hear the door knocking incessantly, day and night, I know who it is.  I have an idea that if I open that door it will change my life forever, (if I don’t I can never leave this one place).  How much knocking should or could you handle?  How far would you go to stop it?

Coming to labels, I want to accept myself as myself.  It is difficult, but still, do it.  How can I call my self a woman or a man?  Grr, I can’t even discuss it because my brain says ‘Woman! Woman! Woman!’ It never felt like an obsession, there is an element of compulsion that drove the actions of unaware early years.  It’s hard to believe I’ve taken a bunch of spurious evidence to turn into something which is fundamentally destroying my life.

Medicine becomes more necessary as tension rises upon the moment of physically life changing risks.  Basically there are moments when you must decide.  Even in accepting myself, it’s difficult when I still don’t know what it is I really need to not feel this way. At the same time however, I really do, and I need it sooner than I’m prepared to admit.’

—–

I apologise for the horrible negativity of my last post, I haven’t felt that way in many many years, and I’m putting it down to the gross over-stimulation dysphoria creates on top of everything else. Funnily enough, as soon as I started feeling better, dysphoria once again stepped back into the larger role to fill the vacuum. It has been very bad recently, a strange feeling between my gut and my groin, is that just me? An actual physical gender sickness that I want to tell myself is purely hormonal, but how could I know.

I’m expecting my work contract to run out in the next two weeks, then I will be taking a few months off to really nail this down so far as I can in regards to making important medical decisions, as well as really putting some serious effort into transition.  If I ever want to get another job, it can’t be as this half house flim flam thing I’m doing now.  And again for this medication would help.  Putting the effort into ‘blending in’ will also help, so I’m excited, and I hope to bring more confident, direct and focused posts in the near future.

As much as my body is male, and my spirit is female, my mind is neutral, I’m just me. Somewhere there is a place of balance where mind, body and spirit connects again more fully, that way is forwards, not back.

Happy corporate love day!

Amy Xx

Standard
Uncategorized

Shameless Gimmies

Well my lovelies, have a terribly made vlog.  This is my first time ‘presenting’ in a video, so be nice 😛  One day I shall learn video-editing….and knitting…..and photography….and piano…and etc etc etc.  Oh well, trans on!  OH!  Excuse the male voice, mwahahahhahaha…*cries*

Standard
transgender

How to Crash and Burn

Warnings – Depression, frank discussion of suicide.

Mind-states are such fickle, vulnerable things at times, a heart worn so visibly now and becoming threadbare.  Depression can break through great walls, razing years of intricate works in moments like the old Mongols.  Now back inside the dreaded depresso world of constant self-oppression I realise that the worst part about depression is not how awful it feels, but how it takes away the willingness to do anything about it.  The mind is saying ‘There’s a big problem in here, and you better be ready before coming in again.’  The healthy mind has no time or inclination for this crap.

I don’t know what happened, about three weeks ago I just fell into shards, the perceived injustices and betrayals to my heart festered and became a scar on my soul.  Like a broken poet, I just go over and over the same horror in my head.  ‘Why didn’t she love me?’,  ‘Who will ever love me now?’, ‘How come these people do horrible things, yet still receive romantic love and compassion whilst I’m left alone to deal with this?’, ‘I don’t know how I can ever get over this’ Blah blah blah!

When the symptoms start, everything becomes a nightmare.  I was supposed to be moving to the city with a friend but he’s got a few extra years now in a good place, so I’m stuck.  ‘I can’t move alone, I can’t afford it/I’ll never get a job/I’ll get killed’ Blah!

Such is the way a flawed thought process runs. I love outward then lose inward, when I should love inward then love outward, yet with brown-tinted glasses I stupidly see a presumed paradise for others from my presumed hell.  And it’s nothing to do with being trans, that’s just another facet, amplifying my problems with serious real life complications and pushing me over the edge.  Life threatening?

On a day last week, my growing suicidal idealation turned from silly thoughts into considerations about actual means.  I tried to talk to people whilst simultaneously pushing them away and being scarily vague, as is common.  But here’s the thing, when I got to the point of thinking it was a good idea and I should just go do it, I got in touch with a friend I could trust and said ‘Look, I’m going to kill myself.’ ‘I’m coming round’, he said.  If things ever get to that point call someone immediatelyPhone a friend, ring your national suicide hotline, do something! Never stop trying.

He came over and we chatted for many hours.  He told me again of a friend he had, she killed herself, she said nothing.  I don’t know her circumstances but I know the feeling, not from this incident, but from a long long time ago.  He is so cut up because he could have done for her what he did for me and saved both our lives.

I’m lucky, it’s not that true people come out of the woodwork, they are there, and they help when help is needed to be given.  I have really worried all the people closest to me, to see tears in their eyes breaks my heart as they see me meltdown into complete blackness unable to truly appreciate the love that I always complain about not feeling.  The mind says ‘Learn to appreciate the love that others give, especially when it is difficult to, and then you can come back in.’

Yet with all this I cut friends off because I literally can’t cope at all with the drama.  Being trans just overcrowds an already totally packed brain space. For two weeks I distanced myself from the girl who has supported me so well like a sister recently and it was horrible for both of us.  I saw her at the weekend and although we didn’t speak for a while she came and hugged me, and just talked to me like normal and that meant a lot.

But I have depression.  I calculate it as being two weeks symptomatic.  It has struck hard, the voice in my mind that is an automatic defence system of general contentment has retreated, waiting for orders for a counter attack!  For all the fighting talk though, it’s just words.  Ha, I don’t need oestrogen to be able to cry every day.  And so eyes roll.

I would say in order of intensity it feels like depression, gender dysphoria, loneliness.  Loneliness is the worst one, nothing to do with having anyone, but the feeling that eats you. The most brutal form of self-punishment, and the most unavoidable. The mind is literally saying ‘If you do not love yourself, then you will be less likely to find a partner who will.’ It’s all biology.

I found out today I’m going to be losing my job pretty soon, much earlier than I expected, making the work transition moot.  How it all seems to fall away, what a meltdown I had, trying to stay hydrated so I could keep crying and screaming because I believe I have nothing and I will never have anything or anyone again.  It wasn’t about it being embarrassing, I’m scaring people.  I’ve always been hung up on the ideas of a secure employment and relationship because it’s not something I’ve truly come across, I’ve pretty much lost both, and in transitioning these are the two things probably most affected, aside getting head smashed on bathroom lino/chopped up and placed under floorboards etc.

So things just became a lot harder.  I’m older now, so I have more tools to deal with this, it just took me by surprise.  Instead of thinking everything is over, it’s possible I could think of it as a clearing, everything is open to me now.  To be honest, I could probably do with a few months off to actually get on top of all the heavy stuff that has been going on.  It’s a bit of a spanner in the transitions works apparently, yet as Jim Carrey’s Dad said ‘You can fail just as easily at what you don’t want to do.’

I don’t think I’ll get a job or a relationship regardless of whether I’m trans or not.  I could say it has all fallen apart, but maybe my perfect partner is only there for the real me.  Maybe I can only find my true calling in transition, like I could find simplicity and pain in pretending to be a man.

Just because everything sucks doesn’t mean every thing sucks.  It’s an unhealthy state of mind and I know it.  With circumstantial depression such as this, that part which is awesome is merely dormant, and apparently depression is dormant when everything seems fine.

The only way awesome will let you in is to be awesome, not to a standard, but your own truly expressed, individual, unique awesomeness.  Hold it tight for you, content is a personal responsibility.

I can’t give up, I have to fight back.  I have to beat these repetitive self-sabotaging thoughts.  Dysphoria doesn’t want me dead at least, it just wants me to be a female so my brain can make sense of my biology in a clearer fashion…I hope.

I’m so grateful for the genuine human love I have received recently.  It’s scary sometimes trying to gauge what others think, we can never know, does everyone secretly hate us or everyone?  Is it a front?  What would they do for you?  You can’t know, and it’s not our business to know, that’s what trust is for, that when we ask we can believe the truth even if conflicts with our disillusionment.  I may be shaken, but I see that obviously people care.  I ought not to want, for it is the ire of content.

Depression is a zombie that just keeps coming back, so I’m gonna need a bigger spade.

Let’s all try to find one needlessly self-defeating thought today to smash to make room for one genuine self-affirming belief.  You are so worth it.

Amy Xx

Standard