gender, transgender

A return to the dreaded lull.

The harder I have to try to repress these feelings so I can just get on with my life the sicker I get.  My body doesn’t want me to just get on with my life as the way I am.  It’s very very annoying.  My brain sees a girl doing these things, then I see my body.  I read about the transitions of others, it’s a lot of time, pain, money and investment, but still want on that train just the same.  Alllllllmost got the tears. but testosterone says no.

I went to a shopping complex today in my male clothes, scowling at the many identical forms of menswear.  Ohhhh, man cardigans in brown, beige, brown & beige, grey, and grey & black.  What a selection of pointless grey dinge.  But then, the women’s clothes were pretty awful too.

I tried consciously to watch out for women, to see how they stand, how they walk, how they present themselves.  I had to laugh, because regardless of my self-perception, the yawning morass of human zombies transcends all things.  Shuffling, dead eyed, genderless creatures…I wouldn’t be so harsh, but try smiling sometime!  I mean damn, I’m a dude running about with a flower in his hair and a chunky smile trying to come to terms with the idea that I’m not even a dude, mais c’etait la vie, et c’est la vie!  Enjoy life you feckless bargain-gazers!

Perhaps there is no hope for variant people of the world when the bulk majority seems to be so damn miserable.

Regardless, if you wanna ask me who I am?  I’m a researcher.  And this week I’m going to be hitting it hard.  I’ve done light reading on this whole subject for many years when I would allow myself, and have always had a philosophical interest in gender (I wonder why!).  I’m going to have to put all that stuff together, pool the resources and I’ll share what I can, even though I’m aware other folks have done this already.

I will offer some general resources to calm the mind and heal the body in the meantime.

Alan Watts guided Meditation (Youtube)  – This is different from other guided meditations.  Most of them ask you to relax your body in a certain way, to sit in a certain way, to breathe in a certain way.  They softly urge you to ‘let go’ without providing an impetus to do so.  Alan Watts breaks all that down in this audio.  I’ve achieved my only full meditative state from this recording, I felt the pulsing in my third eye, thoughts became windows into other things.  It became so intense I had to stop, a few minutes seemed like hours.

Here is the trick.  Are you breathing right now?  Of course you are, but before I asked where you consciously thinking about it?  No, but you were breathing all the same.  In meditation, the way seems to be to focus on your breath, until you come back to the state where your voluntary breath reverts to involuntary like it was before I mentioned breathing to begin with. After all, how can you focus on something you no longer have awareness of? From there you can be still, because there is only being.

David Procyshyn 30-minute yoga for hips, hamstrings and lower back (Youtube) – David from ‘’ offers great involved yoga sessions.  His calming confident voice, and simply explained postures can allow you to achieve a great sense of body sensation, and really relieve some of those aches and pains.

I’m back to work this week, and family are back from holidays, so a new challenge awaits.  I really need to find a decent place to live soon, so I can really start experimenting with gender, and where I fit on the shifting spectrum.  I don’t know how I’ll be able to repress without going crazy, and I’m pretty sure I’ve been busy enough about the house that I’m going to get caught anyway.  That’s going to be a fun conversation with my mother.  I’ll literally have to remind her of that time I ‘accidentally’ super glued my boy bits behind me to try and look like a girl when I was about 6-8 years old.  I can’t remember how I excused it, but it must have been as obvious as it was painful to remove.  I’m waaaaaay too open about this stuff.

As much as I want to tell work and family, I have to be smart, and I have to have a better idea of what’s going on before I rock those boats.  With friends?  I guess I just need better clothes and make up.  A party in the city next week, with many people I don’t know, sounds damn exciting!

I had the thought that maybe I’m just a guy who likes to dress up in all clothes and act in many ways without calling myself anything.  But, still no.  I don’t think I am a guy in girls clothes, I think I’m a female in a man-suit, who has been brainwashed and convinced that she is the suit.  Assuming now that I am on this spectrum, an important question to ask is how far away is who I present from who I am?

I watched some video’s with a gender therapist in Colorado, a Dara Hoffman-Fox (video channel here), where she presents some good questions to ask yourself if you think you may be transgender, before deciding on what you think you are and what you want to do about it.  Just because I think I’m some sort of trans-female prototype, doesn’t necessarily mean I’m exactly that, so it’s probably important to know before you do some real damage!

I hope you all have a wonderful and productive week lined up ahead.

With love and a warmth to our potential,