Again, disclaimer – I’m not pulling any punches here, this whole I’m a transgendered person thing is frankly as hilarious as it is terrifying. So if you don’t like hearing about blunt experiences and talk of sex, or are easily triggered, then read on anyway, because….absolutely no reason.
This train just keeps moving. Woke up to erotic thoughts for the first time in a while, but going anywhere near the dead zone was a struggle. I have to admit to myself that in sexual fantasies, I haven’t been the guy for yeaaaaarrrsss (if ever?), there is no other way. And I had a girlfriend, so I suppose I misled her in ways as I couldn’t have the image of reality and sex in my head, so I became ‘her’.
So, maybe actually I am gay? I like girls? But then what am I? Well, from maybe twenty feet away right now I could fool you that I am a girl, any closer and you would see that stubble that won’t go away or be concealed. And if you are that close, you’ll see I don’t have a flipping clue about make up. Oh yes, it’s hallowe’en all round. I look at myself dressed up and think, yeah…I could go to Hallowe’en as a cross-dresser, with disturbing commitment.
Right now, I would say there are plenty of girls with more body hair than me, because I shaved my arms too. Don’t know why but I did, someone is going to notice, soon. It’s difficult not to be more obvious… Ok, I shaved it because I hate the hair! Happy?! I’m not erratic, this is an infowar of the mind, disparity abounds.
Two things I feel separate me from going out and either pretending or being. Make-up [longevity], and voice. I don’t like how I sound at all, all horrible and gravel, any pitch I raise is too high and whiny, so now it is time to learn about that as well. And obviously the horrible man body that will always be.
Maybe I’m just a crossdresser having a breakdown? Again, no. This stuff has existed for way too long, and only been about the clothes etc in an aesthetic sense. Maybe the counsellors will tell me different, maybe they’ll listen and accept whatever I say. I just don’t know.
I’m tempted to go out late dressed up, they only come out at night, right? Haha, I’ve told people, but I just want to be caught by the world, bring the stigma, I’ll drive spikes and heels into undefended knees.
Bah, a hundred photo’s and barely a passable one.
If I’m going to do Hallowe’en, I have to start getting ready now, for what I dunno, but I guess it’s just an experiment to see how much trauma I may be in for.
I’ll show my face in a day or two, to keep pushing, because I want to be found out. If I get found out I can drop the charade and just be who I feel I…..something…..to be. It would be even better if I ‘passed’ and people didn’t know, but let’s be realistic here.
Counselling is too far away! So stay tuned for more breakdown meltdown gender bending drama!
In the meantime, go read ‘Boku Girl’, a new manga about a feminine boy who gets turned into a girl by Loki and all the cute, confusing fun that can come of it ^.^
Any kind words or experiences are kindly appreciated, thanks for taking an interest in my journey 😀 I’m trying to be more sociable online at the moment, so hope to exchange conversations soon!
Much love in a paradoxical spiral,
Cl…Amyyy.y…iii.ii….Jamie. That will do. For now.