hrt, transgender

The Bell Tolls

It’s ok to make mistakes.  It better be, otherwise I’m screwed.

After the most gruelling month of waiting, I finally had my appointment with the endocrinologist on Wednesday past.  Turns out I didn’t need to bring pee in a cup; they just have that as a formality in the letter.  It was a notoriously quick chat with the doctor.  How long have you had gender dysphoria?  Do you understand the risks?  A brief explanation of what may happen over the next few months.  There and then he wrote a treatment form for blockers and estrogen.  What, so I just go cash this in?  Yip.  They took some blood and I have to go back in three months.

So, on Thursday I rang my GP and faxed across the prescription to be made, and made an appointment with the nurse on Wednesday coming to stick a needle in my bum.  The next day, I picked up the script, went to the pharmacy, and they gave me HRT medication.

I was prescribed ‘Prostap SR’, a leuprorelin drug, which is an injectable testosterone blocker that must be administered by a nurse.  The only time a male should ever use this drug is for prostate cancer, because that’s the only time the benefits of taking it outweigh the risks.  The leaflets are an anthology of side effects and risk factors letting you know that even if you don’t have a major ailment, chances are you might, and well before the at least 2 year limit before potential surgery.

They gave me Progynova, which is estradiol, 2mg once a day, a 12 week supply.  It is used for easing the symptoms of menopause, which is again not something a male body should be taking.  I was going to start today but I bailed.  I’ll do a proper starting hormones post soon, this isn’t my usual blog.  I have a friend who was prescribed on the same day and I’m hoping we can do some compare and contrast posts to give readers a range.

I was expecting to have another appointment in at the very least two weeks before getting the prescription, but there you go, Two days.  I’m…not ready.  What I mean is, in terms of dysphoria I would have started munching without pause, but in terms of general life.

Trigger warning – suicide

I signed a year contract on the house, so I’ll definitely be in the city for another year.  I am doing everything wrong though.  I am an utter slave to nicotine, when I try to quit smoking, I try to quit life.  I have become pretty insular and depressed and I’m struggling to deal with it.  As a result I haven’t been looking for work.  It has all come together to drag me down big time and I’m not sure how to get out of this mess at the moment.

I mentioned in my last post a new friend who gave me butterflies.  I got to meet her only a few times and she killed herself about a month ago.  It’s devastating.  I was talking to her a lot in her last days; I didn’t even know her well enough to know how bad things were for her, I just knew on instinct that she was an amazing human being.  She was only 25 and had a kid; I’ve met some of her friends since who have told me about her.  It’s so sad, we should be helping each other right now.

Out of the initial group of people I trusted to tell I was trans, I’ve told only a few about hormones, as well as a couple of friends I’ve made this year.  To be honest, I don’t even feel like telling anyone when I start.  It’s difficult to do because I want to be as transparent as possible, but it doesn’t seem like it will benefit anyone.  I figure my best bet for now is to talk about trans stuff in the company of other trans people, whether in real life or online.

I’ve spent the past few days claiming to be tying up loose ends.  It’s like I want to say goodbye to a part of myself without thinking of what I’m now able to greet into my life.  I want to be as prepared as possible, but how do you do that?  Sure, take pictures and measurements, then make your lifelong commitment.

It’s hard to know what to do here.  I feel so bad that I worry hormones will put me at even more risk.  I’m worried smoking will make my brain explode.  I’ve heard the opinions that starting the HRT could actually calm me down and bring me more to my centre.  I don’t know what to do, I feel I am doomed either way.  It’s less to do about transition, and more about the best way to maintain my mental health.  Take the plunge.  I don’t want to stop if I start, it’s all in or nothing.

Overthinking.  Putting too much pressure on myself.

This morning I had a nice dream, where I was my assertive, confident, loving self, where all this bounced off me and I was able to engage meaningfully with others.  I woke up to the reality of my circumstantially enhanced chemical malaise.  I was going to take my first hit of blue poison but I just don’t feel like I have what I need.  When then, will I be ready?

There has been a lot of soul searching, I’ve lost a lot of myself, gazing at the ruins of the mental fortresses, wondering where to start rebuilding, with no tools, no blueprints, and not enough help.  In the middle of all this I must make the biggest life-changing commitment of my life up to this point.

In a losing battle, what are one’s words on that last suicidal charge?

This is not a good way to start HRT, I know this, but I feel doomed either way, my mental strength is hidden from sight, it must be found somehow, no matter what. I’m taking a risk, so I wonder how this story will go.

Hang on tight.

Amy Xx


5 thoughts on “The Bell Tolls

  1. Better to just start HRT – it would be lovely if it felt like the fireworks going off at Disneyland – but if you wait for everything to be just right (support, love, calmness) you will never start.
    I’ve known a couple of women who have had one or more “false starts” with HRT, and realized that they (and the rest of the f-ing world) were not ready for it. But eventually they went back on it, with no regrets.
    Please be careful – look both ways before you cross the street, don’t drive if you’ve had one too many, and pay attention to what your body is telling you. You will make it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for the comment Jamie. That’s the message I’ve been getting in general and this helps reaffirm it. You are totally right, life will never be peaches, I just worry that it’s a particularly bad moment right now. It could be my saviour or my demise. Only one way to find out! Hope you are doing real well 😀 Xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Is there a good time to start anything? Are ever prepared and know the results beforehand? For the things that really matter we never are ready. We stumble along the best we can and make mistakes. Mistakes are want we learn from so we can make better decisions and do better in the future. So it is ok and to be expected.

    Hang on to that dream you had. That is where you will be in the future. In the meantime you will have to start rebuilding the best you can. Do not worry about having no tools, blueprints and not enough help. Just do the best you can with what you have at the moment. That is all that matters. If you can say that you did the best you can then be proud of yourself. Little by little your mental fortress will take shape again, start having tools and a blueprint will take shape and you will find help from people willing to listen and give you advice. If at some point you make a mistake and it all comes crashing down again then learn from the mistake and start trying again.

    I know you can do it and be the person you want to be in life. Its something I have been doing for the last few years and I have my share of mistakes along the way. If I can do it then you can do it. We are all the same regardless of the details, just someone doing the best they can with what they have.

    Take care and wish you all the best in what you decide to do 🙂


  3. I knew within a few months after starting that hormones were the thing for me for sure. Many years later, I am still sure.
    Any problems are good problems. Physical changes force you to acknowledge who you are; force you into action; force you into entirely reevaluating your place in the world.


  4. We’ve already talked since, so I won’t repeat myself by saying what I’ve already said elsewhere. But I’ll just say I’m sending love and positive vibes. I’m sorry to hear things are hard and I hope things pick up soon. You’re stronger than you think, everything will be okay. ❤


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