gender, identity, transgender

Use my third arm

I will never give respect to the cage but to the captor.  Shifting faces, but why must you hide behind so many different kinds of masks?

Look back, look in, see yourself, with the key to bring your freedom.

Give up, give in, let go to your own strength that won’t let fear dictate who you are.

Deceptive mirror.

Gaze upon a darkened form, reflected by the ever present light of your truth, there’s no escaping what your heart is.

Phew.  This is going to be the first week I’ve had to myself in over three years, so much gruelling work and responsibility now come to an end.  Now I can totally relax….Not going to happen, right?  It’s tough when every time this year I’ve searched the word ‘transgender’, I am greeted by a trail of death.  Too much death, fight back by living.

What does the dysphoria actually want?  Does it get paid for every time I reference it?  Disparity still abounds, a war rages between gender identity and personal identity.  The concepts of gender, terms of expressions and traits melt away into mutually inclusive nothingness.  It’s all just words, a philosophical debate on truth to try and ascribe meaning to what is called a ‘condition’ or a ‘variation’.

I read too many comments and opinions on news-sites etc, pseudo-science.  Any argument can be battered back, and generally it all gets lost, confused, and nasty.  My political mind firmly switched off as soon as I had my revelation, and thank goodness for it.  Hence this blog is a discussion of the heart, not science or ideology.

I’m kind of glad I chose to wait a day to write this, my therapist had her rotten way with me a dozen times, she kicked my ass.  Good, challenges deep to the core of the psyche.  Here’s the problem, I spend a lot of time trying to rationalize, legitimize, intellectualize the nature to the extent of which I should medically transition based on my concepts of gender; my male body and life; and my ‘female’, or dysphoric mind.  I rail against these arguments simultaneously by explaining that my disparate experience as a transsexual is simply an unavoidable condition of my nature.  I do this by intellectualizing about it.

She called me out about that.  But how do you feel?’  She asked.  Well I was taken aback.  Guh. (Huh, Iuh, Juh, Kuh…).  It’s just weight, weight on the psyche.  Instead of an angel and a devil, it’s a man and a woman, and the man is a woman too.  I anticipated that acceptance would have to come several times and in several forms on this journey, but that’s what it comes to, how do you feel?

I feel that having inhabited myself unknowingly as male for so many years, the pull is strong.  This is how the argument for gender traits falls apart for me.  Theoretically I could present as I do now, heck I could fully transition, surgery and all, and if I wanted to, I could still call myself a man.  This isn’t radfem bait, I’m just saying it’s possible.  Born natal female, I could dress how I have my whole life, ostensibly wore a daily beard, bound my chest and called myself a woman.  If I was born female I would wear a shaven head, because you can keep gender presets, these invisible restrictions.  Indeed, that’s exactly why I grew out my hair, getting into a heavy metal crowd was perfect cover, and heavy metal is awesome.  Maybe one day I will shave it all off and prove myself right.

The point, if there is a point, is that not one element of social transition can change a person’s ‘gender’, I think it’s all about the brain.  It is disparity between mind and body, one is incorrect, and to change the mind in this case is to erase the person, so, it’s the body.  Like I’ve said before, if there was a pill that removed dysphoria, would you take it?  It’s not like an illness, it isn’t harmful to be another gender.

Saying this shows how deeply ingrained the trans mindset can be, because the answer should be, yes, of course I should take it, why would I want to be trans, make my brain like my biological sex!  Life would be so much easier.  But the pill doesn’t exist, and I imagine some transpeople would not want to sell out a defining feature of their lifetime identity.  That all comes down to how psychologically phenomenal you believe your mindset to be, or whether it is viewed as a mental illness.

I can’t describe what maleness or femaleness is, I just know there has always been a block in my brain that irrevocably claimed that I’m female, not male.  I argue even against life experience causing this, merely that it shapes the perceptions and coping mechanisms we have when dealing with our innate personal dysphoria.  Using all these life skills, people from all walks of life still come to meet at a similar foreign destination, which shows how the experience of being trans can trump everything you may ever know.

All this thinking, seemingly never ending, how nice would it be to just let go.

Cross-sex hormone therapy, seemingly by no coincidence can realign this balance, and even though I’m not psychically scrabbling at the walls to get HRT, I am willing to try it, even if it turns me describably female, which would be fine because that’s what I am.  I feel less desperate because I see this as more of a medical decision than the holy-crap-I’m-a-girl condition.  That being said, I don’t underestimate how much I feel I need them, which is completely odd. I guess it’s like a brain hunger, my body cries out for a nutrient it was designed to have but doesn’t get.

The hormonal, medical, surgical, transsexual treatment is as much a racket as each other part of the globally controlled megaplex.  Hormones mimickers and chemicals cause interesting sexual dysfunctions in the animal world and no doubt has effects on people.  Vaccinations, GMO’s and all that stuff could be messing all our brains up in unique and incredible ways, as much transfolk as the angry and imbecilic.  Of the two trans people I have had real interactions with, two of them are on the autistic spectrum.  There’s a lot of messed up stuff – maybe it’s the New World Order theory to feminize the male population so we don’t fight back against our global enslavers.  How misogynistic!  Transpeople have been around since way before all that.

In a perfect world, I believe if I could pass perfectly and non-judgementally as [trans]female I would still not feel right without medical intervention.  Maybe it is a product of the modern world, it would be very useful to know the experiences of those in cultures past who were able to fully integrate without medicine, how did they feel?  Were they content, or like those who may pass pre-HRT and still really need something that wasn’t there?

So one last time, am I trying to forget my maleness? Am I trying, unconsciously or not to disconnect of disassociate from myself?  No, and it doesn’t matter!  Again this is attempting to use logic and reason to assuage a biological condition, like telling jokes to a depressive expecting them to be happy, or asking a wheelchair user to walk because God gave them legs.

I remind myself, that anytime I feel like I may be in denial, I am a female in denial, I would ask the exact same questions, because that’s what I’m doing.  Concurrence.  If I don’t want to be a woman, it’s because I’m a self-hating woman [read: individual].  If I don’t want to be a man, all I have to do is be myself.

Fudge your expression.  Fudge your traits.  Fudge your gender constructs.  They, I believe, are mutually exclusive from the biological nature of trans-identity.  Much everything else is a product of personal identity moulded by some inescapable adherence to our society and to its extent, physiology.  Wanting to express notions of perceived masculinity and/or femininity is not a reason to transition, it is a reason to express beyond generalisations.

At the GIC today I passed an older transwoman (tough to be stealth coming out of the therapists waiting room) and said hello. She tutted at me, I think at my pink hair….in pigtails, or my purposely crappy makeup. It just shows people may come to chastise your expressive choices no matter what you do.

Transition doesn’t make me anything, it confirms who I am.  I am still early on my journey, and I warn myself and anyone else with doubts – labia made from scrotal sack is to be considered a positive outcome.  Having a vagina made of colon is a possibility, if you want this, be prepared to be ok with things like that.  ‘Wow, I’m really enjoying this two week camping holiday, but please excuse me for a while, I have to go dilate again.’

I can’t say I feel like a woman, because I don’t know what that is, physiologically.  My cis-girlfriends don’t know how it feels either, apart from that it is annoying. Aside that, I believe people are people, not ‘brain sex’.  It’s about making weighed medical decisions, and considerations for all future well-being, thinking about it is important. It’s better to be having these cyclical discussions now, because I can imagine it may always remain somewhat of a battle, and some sort of peace must be made early, transient though it may be.

And it’s through all this I miss the point entirely, still.  It’s all just deflections from self-acceptance.  Not the self-acceptance I should have for the body and life that I was blessed to be born with, but from the self-acceptance that the part I’m missing is a part of myself I should embrace, and that it’s ok.  It happens. At any point something unexpected could happen and chance everything. It’s just life.

As much as one may need to…[alter]… on this journey, remember you are already awesome while you are doing it!  It’s not a contradiction of the need to transition; it is a continuation of the unique brilliance of each consciously-wrought individual.

Rock on,

Amy Xx


6 thoughts on “Use my third arm

  1. You have a wonderful writing style, I adore reading your blog. You covered quite a lot here that I’d like to quickly touch upon.

    Firstly, I also used the heavy metal scene (or my 80s hair metal fandom to be more specific) as a nice cover for why I was growing out my hair. You’re the second person, not including myself, that I’ve spoken to who did that. I love, love, love rock music anyway but that was a nice way to deflect the questions 🙂

    As for the pill that could take away my dysphoria? I would sooner flush it down the toilet than take it. I’ve thought this before in various forms across my entire life, both when I knew I was trans, then was in denial, and now that I’ve come back again. The fact is this… thing, whatever it is (gender kookiness I sometimes affectionately call it) is so intertwined with who I am and everything else about me I wouldn’t dare take it away as I don’t know who I would even be without it. If I could transform my mind into that of a cis male’s then I wouldn’t be me. Being this way is painful, but it’s my pain and it’s made me who I am.

    Regarding the sneering look at the GIC, I’m sorry that happened. But I have noticed a strange divide when it comes to transgender issues between the young and the old. The old guard seem to, among other things, prefer very different terms and have an altered perspective. I’m going to sound terribly snobbish here but where I want to dye my hair and cover myself in purples, black lace and skull patterns, the older guard seem a little more… dare I say, bland? Pink hair is rad as hell but I wonder if it’s a bit too much for some older trans folk. Obviously I’m generalising here, the older trans women I’ve met on WordPress have been great but I do hear stories, sometimes from them and other times from friends, that they’ve encountered some hostility from those who believe there is only one way to be trans, a way that’s as invisible and beige as possible. A way that the rest of us are violating.

    Finally I’d simply like to say how much I loved: “Transition doesn’t make me anything, it confirms who I am”

    Very well said, Amy 🙂

    (Side note: Do you use Twitter?)

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks for the comment 🙂
      Rock chicks are awesome because we know we are awesome.
      That is powerful for me when you say to put your brain into a cis-male. Little things ya don’t think about, I wonder if it’s something I’m clinging onto. Maybe like I perceive from your experience, it is difficult to let go of something that should seem so solid. Cis-male, that would be pretty advantageous to be, but, nope.
      I’m just excited to see if the meds can help make the stupid pain go away.
      Hmm, I’ve heard the stories about the elders even in the local community, I suppose why that’s why they have their groups and the younger ones have theirs. Being between 26-40 seems like the nowhere zone for trans people transitioning, it is very isolating, that’s why I’m so happy and enthusiastic to share in the stories of people here.
      Mmm, I suppose this is the debate we are having now, that it’s ok to be a transsexual and still mess with the binary, whilst it is suggested they say the nature of dysphoria is so violent and penis-scissoringly brutal that the only solution is to fully integrate into a new lifelong secret. I want to get away from the secrets I’ve held onto, not make new ones. And I doubt it was ever so bad they got the scissors out otherwise no surgery. Same reason I haven’t got the scissors out.
      Moral of the story, it’s ok to be a person before a gender, even in the upside down world of transfolk.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. You would think that a conventional trans woman would be a contradiction in terms (like military intelligence) but she would probably sneer at you if you were a cis girl in the same outfit (glam, punk, or otherwise shabby). But someone’s got to wear the pill box hat.
    I’m always befuddled by people who say they are trans but never had dysphoria – I would stayed in denial except for all the noise from the “I’m a boy” mantra playing at full volume in my head and drowning out all my other thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. rationalize, legitimize, intellectualize; I do relate to this big time .. My therapist also throws the same thing at me every single session .. she says to me, and I quote “You use rationalization as a survival mechanism”

    And I bet also your therapist and mine don’t know how it feels to be a female .. And should my therapist ask me the same I’ll just scream at her, “well, how do you know or feel that you’re a female ?”

    I tried so hard few days ago to state what I consider masculine and what I consider feminine on a large colored bar (i kinda like how it looked at the end though :D), i this in a trial to understand where I stand on this wide spectrum .. But i guess that’s also part of the rationalization process ..

    My therapist always gives me the expression/traits crappy kinda talk, and always says “hmmmm, so far, I’m not seeing much of Nour” !!! I’m not trying to show something to begin with, for god’s sake !!!

    ugh, ideas just keep racing in my head, and I can’t just stop it from spinning ..



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