gender, transgender

Make me choose.

I will share a personal journal entry.

February 13th 2015

‘Ok, dude, what is going on?  Why does nobody tell me I’m insane?  Where are the legitimate challenges except those I present to myself?  I am a person with gender dysphoria, I am male, my mind compels me to know myself as female.

The labels shift and change, yet I find myself attempting to be philosophically gender neutral whilst calling myself a masculine female, or even an autogynephillic female, that is, a female that fantasises about being male but is comfortable as female.

It may make me seem schizophrenic, but I feel I am observing my unconscious gender like a VHS video, playing clips of my female self, seeing much the same life, but as female.  Why!

Dysphoria is really grating, almost 24/7 without getting really engrossed in something.  Even then, pursuits are pictured as natal female, though it seems more easily accepted in a relaxed state.

It really just won’t stop so why am I not mentally ill?  How is someone suffering from this another sex/gender?  If only there was a medication to make this feeling go away?  Then, would it not revoke a lifetime of identity in favour of not dealing with your problems?

From the outside, the cry is that I ought deal with my problems by not transitioning and receiving considerable mental help; others revere in the confident self-identification and challenging of cultural gender normatives; and still others don’t care.

The thing is, knowing this condition especially now will continue ad infinitum, then it is important to make a decision on what to do.  Here’s a simple trans formula :-

  • Your brain has told you day and night at times (or at all times) for much, most or all of your entire life since memory that you are the opposite gender.
  • You have a revelation that this is a legitimate and dangerous personal issue, do research, and discover the feeling may persist your entire life without intervention.
  • Therapy, anti-depressants, even electro-shock doesn’t work, yet hormone therapy seems to greatly abate the intensity of these pervasive symptoms.
  • There is the requirement of a real life test in many societies, living in the gender ‘role’ opposing your birth sex, which opens the door for hormones and potentially surgery.
  • Dysphoria may still exist to an extent after the various treatment options run their course.  You will still have to find the way to a content and prosperous life regardless of the choices you make.

So, I dunno, say, a pill that removes the dysphoria yet maintains those supposedly exceptional gender identifiers?  What would you do then?  I guess it may not work – if I still thought about being female all the time and it didn’t bother me, I’d be very worried about how not worried I was.  This is why I hate anti-depressants; the bad thoughts are there but without the feeling.  Depression and dysphoria are ways the body tells you something is wrong.

Maybe if I just had hormones without transition things would be ok then?  I don’t know but it could make dysphoria worse or better for some.  Still, even if that didn’t work it doesn’t account for how I present publicly as female now before even having the offer of hormones.  For a binary trans type such as myself, both seem like necessities to an extent, even if I feel like a girl who thinks it could be fun to be a boy.  (Beyond unconscious sex characteristics, I just want to express myself as I am, screw repression!)

The entire experience is far from being fun, nor was that the intent.  This is serious business not whim.  Yet even in the future, what could the alternative be?  Some space age procedure of ‘legitimate’ chromosomal sex changes for clinically proven trans children, or just wiping us all out in the womb as an abnormality?

It seems now trans folk have an opportunity not seen before nor likely to be seen in such a way again, to be visible and accepted to the greatest extent possible, to express, find life and love as equals, then move on.

Still, I disconnect between my transition and reality.  I am not female, I was raised a male now with the messed up task of learning a greater extent of traditional female identifiers to a greater standard without ANY of the knowledge or real-time experience whatsoever.  I feel that had I been born female I would not have wanted to learn these things either.  But we both bloody have to!  I hear the groans of many genetic and trans female versions of myself in unison through the many potential parallel universes.

I’ve never really got gender anyway, I can’t consciously spot the difference, just the regular unconscious cues.  It doesn’t really matter what I think, subconsciously my brain says female.  It doesn’t say monkey, dolphin or Sub-Saharan, that would be insane.

Autumn Asphodel put it brilliantly, you are not alone, so many people feel this in such similar ways.  Many transition, many think about it.

Tap.  Tap.  Tap.  If you are cis- you hear nothing, but as trans, I hear the door knocking incessantly, day and night, I know who it is.  I have an idea that if I open that door it will change my life forever, (if I don’t I can never leave this one place).  How much knocking should or could you handle?  How far would you go to stop it?

Coming to labels, I want to accept myself as myself.  It is difficult, but still, do it.  How can I call my self a woman or a man?  Grr, I can’t even discuss it because my brain says ‘Woman! Woman! Woman!’ It never felt like an obsession, there is an element of compulsion that drove the actions of unaware early years.  It’s hard to believe I’ve taken a bunch of spurious evidence to turn into something which is fundamentally destroying my life.

Medicine becomes more necessary as tension rises upon the moment of physically life changing risks.  Basically there are moments when you must decide.  Even in accepting myself, it’s difficult when I still don’t know what it is I really need to not feel this way. At the same time however, I really do, and I need it sooner than I’m prepared to admit.’

—–

I apologise for the horrible negativity of my last post, I haven’t felt that way in many many years, and I’m putting it down to the gross over-stimulation dysphoria creates on top of everything else. Funnily enough, as soon as I started feeling better, dysphoria once again stepped back into the larger role to fill the vacuum. It has been very bad recently, a strange feeling between my gut and my groin, is that just me? An actual physical gender sickness that I want to tell myself is purely hormonal, but how could I know.

I’m expecting my work contract to run out in the next two weeks, then I will be taking a few months off to really nail this down so far as I can in regards to making important medical decisions, as well as really putting some serious effort into transition.  If I ever want to get another job, it can’t be as this half house flim flam thing I’m doing now.  And again for this medication would help.  Putting the effort into ‘blending in’ will also help, so I’m excited, and I hope to bring more confident, direct and focused posts in the near future.

As much as my body is male, and my spirit is female, my mind is neutral, I’m just me. Somewhere there is a place of balance where mind, body and spirit connects again more fully, that way is forwards, not back.

Happy corporate love day!

Amy Xx

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11 thoughts on “Make me choose.

  1. You hit upon a problem that is hard to describe – for me it would be how to be a man without having had a boyhood – without learning by osmosis – without all the minute decision making at each phase of adolescence of what kind of a guy do I want to be? I’d probably be an absent minded radical leaning unathletic Jewish baseball nerd who reads a lot – and my style would probably be preppy/schleppy. Not exactly an image to aspire to, but probably what I would authentically be. Who would you be as a woman?
    But I spent so much of my childhood fighting to not be a girl, that all the boy factors got distorted by people trying to get me to be gender conforming and not allowing me to do anything outside of being a girl that I never really got to choose what kind of girl I was going to be. Sometimes I think I will never get it untangled.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Some might say you’re over-analyzing the who GD thing but, my god, the same thoughts have gone through my head for years and years. I have article after article saved on my computer about the science of gender dyspyhoria, sex change, the GD psyche, and it goes on and on. I have tried to figure myself out as I have resisted and constant torture inside me to transition.

    I hope you do OK with your time off, Amy. Time off for me just allows the GD demon, that I try to keep buried, to arise. For me, keeping busy allows me to keep in buried deep inside.

    With your permission, I’d like to feature this post on T-Central.

    Calie

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for the comment 🙂 heh, life certainly isn’t boring so it shouldn’t be too hard to keep busy with the right attitude. I don’t think I want to bury it though, resolution is the call, I think that can be a possibility!

      Sure, if you think it would have any value, please go ahead and use it.

      Like

  3. Ugh, this post is so familiar–similar thoughts tormented me for years, and they still crop up pretty regularly. It’s not so bad now, as I no longer believe them, but sometimes they still sting, paper cuts.

    The conclusion I’ve come to is this: being trans makes. no. sense. It just makes absolutely no fucking sense. You cannot solve this riddle, because this riddle is ABSURD. It’s very real–and very absurd. Maybe that’s the secret. Is it possible to stop look at being trans as a logical proposition with serious flaws, and start looking at it as a koan?

    Liked by 2 people

    • You are correct I think 🙂 I keep repeating though that most if not all things cannot be known by reason. Dysphoria just creates a condition through perpetual incongruity that forces one to think about what cannot be known. If it’s going to be there is should be no more than interesting, and I love that concept of keon, for it is in letting go of trying so hard to understand that we come to understand simpler zenny things. Acceptance is grace, though questioning should never cease, so long as it’s healthy.

      Like

  4. You sure you can’t get a job as a “half house flim flam thing”? Sure, it might not pay much but that’s really the deal with gender: aligning with the binary gender hierarchy is necessary to reap rewards in collaboration with the destructive capital-feudal order. Is it worth it?

    Like

    • Hi! Thanks for the comment and the challenge!
      From my own perspective I don’t think about the binary and the spectrum so much as I think of my brains’ own unconscious demands. I’m a regular woman, and I stand for the binary right of females the same I did for males, that is, not at all.
      For where I am, I know where I need to be, and that’s all I feel matters, I’ve always felt that it’s better to lose out being true to yourself than it is to be a successful fraud.
      For me, the goal is for personal gender concerns to dissipate, the effects on my social/professional standing are secondary.
      The reward from all this is a very strong recognition of personal truth, the whole hierarchy thing is a just consequence that would exist regardless of transitional choices.
      I understand and appreciate your view on this, I spent many years feeling the same way until it became too much.

      Like

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