Few things in life remain solid, and why should they? Change is rebirth, but first it is beautiful decay. Solidity is just a rigid concept like all the other mental boxes that are created to try and gain at least some autonomy against the overwhelmingly deterministic yet seemingly random effects of being alive.
From the start of this blog, I envisaged Hallowe’en as the perfect time to experiment publically with gender insight, and I did. What keeps me strong is this: living a transsexual life seems scary as hell and requires an awful lot of bravery altogether, so each little snippet – a waxing; an electrolysis appointment; a decision to go on hormones; going full time…each requires less emotional energy than the presentation of the whole. From that inspiration I’m not so scared of individual short term challenges.
Being Hallowe’en, few cared how I looked, although I was of course aware and nervous that I wasn’t wearing a costume. I had a terrible throat infection, so I gave myself away every few seconds anyway, but that wasn’t the point. In the end, I made my friends take me to a house party, as it was the best option for urinating without grief. This turned out to be an amphetamine party, which are just hilarious when completely sober.
When folks came to greet us at different points they asked our names. I told them, in my male voice, that my name is ‘Amy’. Rarely have I seen eyelids repel from each other so quickly! Of course, I understand why that would happen, and even so, these people were still accommodating through their confusion. They asked why and I couldn’t explain, and one even asked if my male friend and I were partners, which I found very interesting.
A couple of times, new people would come in, and when I would speak they said that they had thought I was a ‘bird’. One drugged up gentleman said I was the prettiest girl he’d seen all night. Thanks, I guess. I also freaked out a taxi driver on the way home. My new least favourite word is ‘mate’, that one is a stinger.
I’ve been emotionally exhausted ever since. Much effort and unceasing thought has a way of dragging one down. It convinces me that self-acceptance is an absolute necessity for transition; otherwise it could take more energy than an individual has in reserve. Heck, self-acceptance is an absolute necessity no matter what the situation is in life.
I got a letter from Gender Identity Clinic for first assessment later this month. This led few hours of elation followed by the inevitable bump of reality. I’ve been struggling with my identity since, refusing to allow traits and expressions to determine my gender. I feel like the reasons I refute maleness would lead to similar reasons for refuting femaleness. Still yes, my brain is female.
Non-binary transgender female. It sounds like a load of nonsense, but that’s where I am. The unconscious mind presents only pictures, we then must commit to the unending human failing of trying to translate these pictures into language. For a little while, I haven’t felt like anything, I haven’t even been secure in what my name is.
Even though dysphoria is constant in its’ many forms, I’m glad for a reprieve in the way of having to deal with other similarly pressing life problems.
One is smoking. I’ve had a series of pretty nasty breakdowns. If I want to make any progress I have to quit, the pain of quitting smoking is a lot less than the pain of dysphoria. If I can’t stop smoking, then I’ll have to give up my progress, and just allow being a drug addict to ruin me. Screw that.
Two is heart-break, loneliness. I finally have the opportunity to process what happened with my recent ex- and first love. Without going into detail, I just want to be able to appreciate the amazing levels of love I never thought possible, rather than focusing on the poison negativity that spelt the end. It’s just a process, sit with the decay, set it alight, and rise from the flame. I want to move past this to explore a new and exciting attraction.
I don’t know what my gender is right now, and that’s ok! It takes time; there are fluctuations, doubts, natal hormone levels etc. Sickness, lack of exercise and proper diet inhibits the ability to think clearly and make good decisions, creating yet another cycle to break.
There comes a time in sadness where one must begin to remember and accept happiness again. I have achieved so much in the past month, and it can be easier to forget achievement than remember failings.
Maybe I am lost, but then, maybe I’m in exactly the right place and I just don’t have a name for it.