gender, transgender

Broken Walls, New paths.

Words are words.  Sometimes you have to stop talking, repetitively thinking and get down to work.

It has been one month of acceptance and twenty some years since I’ve been ‘female’.  I’ve studied, researched, meditated, denied, reached out, shut down and whittled away the possibilities.  Not a gay man, not a cross-dressing man.  Not a man.  Not insane. I am seemingly rational in each other part of my life, so if I am insane about being dysphoric, then I am insane about everything.

Instead, the walls break down and an overwhelming amount of humanity comes out.  Love abounds, for all the time it does, use it, don’t just merely anticipate the day sullen human nature comes back into the fold.

I was presented with a choice in my sub-conscious, right deep down in the place where lies cannot exist:  I am female.  I have a male body.  Either I spend all day every day now for the rest of my life going actually insane thinking about this, or I do something about it.  I have been accused on occasion of being very black and white, I am.

To me [now] it is simple and I’ll say it again:  Gender doesn’t matter, getting on with life matters.  Regardless of the many difficulties and impossibilities of transgender transition, all that matters is being in a position where you can get on with your life.  The goal is to not be screaming to yourself about your gender, that’s all.

I’m clear in my understanding, so now it is time to be quiet and make it happen.  Thinking only helps so much, it is the least evolved part of the human body (wherever it exists), every other part knows so much more, listen to it.  You consciously and intelligently cannot know which is why you’ll never be able to explain it, and you’ll never have it understood.  That’s fine, very few things are understood, and many more are harmful to the universe.

Be honest or die unfulfilled.  Be yourself or die unfulfilled.

As what is assumed to be a true personal self is allowed to express in total honesty, aside from being smug, it can only mean that it is time to bring the inside outside.  It will take a while, and it will definitely hurt in a lot of ways, and therein lies the initial choice.  You cannot choose to be transgender, but you must choose what you are going to do about it.  Whatever you decide is fine as long as you are fine with it, and anticipate you will remain so!

If you are truly the opposite gender (or whatever in-between or not at all), then insofar as I can see, the only changes that need to be made are aesthetic [and hormonal], because you are already you. Personally, I see my gender as less part of a spectrum, and more of a symmetrical reflection; of course, everyone is different, and these perceptions may shift with time.

Now, to try to help the world accept me as I am.  I may claim to be on an ok path with being transgender, but still I know nothing about the practical side.  Without at least attempting to ‘legitimately’ acquire the perception of ‘true’ gender from others, then it is just more repression. Dysphoria seems to now allow it.  If during my assessment, the psychologist can suggest a less invasive alternative for being, then I will celebrate their magical powers.

# ‘Dysphoria, f__ yeah!  Comin’ along to turn you into a girl yeah!’

Until I action a plan to combat these conundrums, then there is no point repeating endlessly what has become a paradox of being both obvious and obfuscated.  Repression is repetitive, expression is unique.

I will admit that I am terrified all over again.  Fear exists to be overcome. Time to make waves – rise, crash, and rise again higher!

I am Amy, and I will feed you commas until the end of time.

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5 thoughts on “Broken Walls, New paths.

  1. Gender doesn’t matter, getting on with life matters. Regardless of the many difficulties and impossibilities of transgender transition, all that matters is being in a position where you can get on with your life.

    So true. We transition so we can stop thinking about gender every goddamn minute and worry about family, work, and what’s for lunch.


  2. hybridlisagirl says:

    Amy, Like a musician, you practice as much as you can and get as good as you can be, before hitting the stage. Becoming comfortable going out as Amy will take some time. You will get better and better. I relied on my confidence and fcku what the public thinks attitude, and held my head high,and I seemed to be even more convincing.Get out there! Julia Marshall

    Liked by 1 person

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