The Second Wall

The First Wall was denial/acceptance, it is time to move on, not doubting who I am, but also not ‘knowing’.  I mean this as, who can really know all about themselves?  If there is something we haven’t done, but have always wanted or needed to at some point, then we either do what we can to make it happen, or lament on our death-beds.

I’m going to try my very best to do all the things I want (so should you!), finish my book, record an album, visit some memorable places, fall in love again and all that lovely stuff; and to be female for whatever reason.  Hey, I have always wanted to conceive a child, simply to be in control of the responsibility, I think that is rational.  Hahahahaha…..ooooooooooooooooook?

The Second Wall is conflict.  Yes, I am transgender, but to what extent?  How far do you read into gender [non-]specific terms, or heed the words of enablers?  All I have been hearing from people is positivity, thank you from my heart, though there must be a planet sized slice of reality here.  Read the horror stories, read how it all went wrong, and the regret.  Understand how transgender people generally struggle with certain very understandable issues for very long times.

Everyone has their issues, and changing gender is not some magic bullet. Changing gender isn’t even about solving any other problem than perceived gender affirmation. Decide how important or how vital this is to lifelong prospects; how will it affect you if you do? How will it affect you if you don’t? How far ‘in-between’ is enough?

I spoke to a lovely transwoman today, my first actual conversation (knowingly) with someone who had transitioned, and she tells it clear, the whole thing is an anti-climax.  For a year it was new and exciting, from then on, life goes on!  The people who love you won’t need to hear it anymore, and the people you lose are just gone.  She is happily married with children, went into it with a level head, and did things right.  Glorious!

I caught myself many times at counselling, mixing signals between consciousness and unconsciousness, between what I feel, and how the words twist coming out of my mouth.  We work together, and she tells it true also, because if you are not repressed and you have a fairly good handle of what is knocking about in the brain fromage, then ‘You know who you are.’

Fine.  Little steps.  Got contact for a support group, which can even be fraught with in-fighting I’m told.  Still, gotta do it, gotta go, gotta see it, gotta know.  I’ll pay no attention this week to the fact I’ve decided to start ‘subtly’ wearing mascara.  It is a dichotomous compulsion where I don’t like make up, but become entranced, being left with a sense of victory, euphoria.  Although I will consciously laugh it off, truth be told, I’m loving it.  My hormones do not.

In a spate of unhealthy behaviours I’ve tried to make myself dysphoric, just to make sure the feeling is there.  I’m back to my reasonably healthy self, but it is like an alcoholic taking a drink to prove he’s not an alcoholic.  Forgive the pronoun, and don’t think I’m comparing being transgender to being an alcoholic for so many obvious reasons, it’s just an unpolished visual tool.

If you really want, you can convince yourself of something in your own head, you can make up and embellish how transgender you are, share it with the world and tell the relevant people the right words and get what you think you want or need.  I’m aware you might have an advantage telling a pretty tale to a ‘gatekeeper’, but this whole issue in my eyes, is completely subjective.  Only the individual knows how far is necessary to go, if you lie to yourself, or to others, you will fall apart the way lies do.

So I’m saying this to anyone reading, and to myself – figure out what you need, and what risks need to be taken, if any, to get your balance right.  You aren’t trying to be something, you are simply trying to be. Diffuse any pretentions. Remove desire, in the Buddhist way.

Having a gender identity issue is a big crisis for those who do, because life is not about gender, it is about living your life as best you can irregardless of it.  How much do you need to change to resolve this issue so you can live life as fully as possible?

And to those who have traversed the path…and to everyone else….

Turn it up very loud!

Amy…..boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom!