I’m coming to accept who I am, which is handy because I feel sick when I don’t. Now when I get distracted, instead of using it as a tool for denial, the ‘dysphoria’ begins, and I just have to accept that I have a female gender identity.
It’s like trying to convert gays. In some cases it may seem efficacious for a while, but as far as reality is concerned, the long term success rate is virtually zero. It is likely to be the same case for transfolk. It cannot necessarily be understood, but it is sufficient to accept, the semantics don’t matter. For myself as seemingly transgender, trying to deny it is like a smoker saying ‘This cigarette is going to make me quit smoking.’ It is a fallacy, the feeling goes away for a while, but you know it will come back, until the reasons for discomfort are removed.
It is of course possible to be transgender and have a mental illness associated with it. In my time trying to convince myself that I was insane, I had to come to terms that if it had a name, it would be called ‘Gender Dysphoria’. The attacks are less frequent, though still pervasive. I got an awkward referral from my GP, it was necessary to shave time from the potential lock-in of anxiety disorder, but also means I have to make important decisions with myself more quickly before discussing them with the dreaded so-called ‘gatekeepers’.
In knowing what it is, the question now is what to do about it? I have this gut feeling that transgender realisation is a gradual subjective process that is a priori, as in, the body will find it’s own way to how far I need to go, and what is comfortable. Rather than letting dysphoria dictate this, I will have to find another way of attempting to make these decisions carefully, in a niche of incredible risk.
My circle of trustees is complete. Seven people know, 4 male friends, 2 female friends, and my mother. They have been amazingly supportive, but haven’t seen me, as Amy, coming forth from what is becoming a personal tyranny of male form. Not to say this isn’t an amazing male form, it is just wrong on the inside. When I close my eyes, I am much smaller.
It is a fantastic feeling to have their support, and they tell it true, ‘You have to be yourself, otherwise who am I talking to?’
The best possible position when it comes to gender seems to be not being concerned at all with your gender. I believed that already, though now I am beginning to understand it. It is natural not to question your gender, therefore, for the identity crisis caused and maintained by being transgender, the remedy is reach the same state [by whatever means] of no longer having to question what should be a fundamental subjective given.
Transgenderism is a special anomoly, as whatever conditions natural biology fall under, for a full spectrum of gender differences, there are only two choices of physical body to begin with. Mostly, nature gets it right, but sometimes, a sane, rational person, can be the recipient of a rare differentiation, which like all things unique and human in life, should be celebrated as being part of humanities’ vast possibility.
‘You have to know your name’ – Reek
I do, I am comfortable and happy when I say it, because the key to life is consistent self-improvement beyond all the inevitable setbacks, and natural mortal conundrums, so that you become or remain, now or again, a person whose value can be shared with, and improve the experience of life in very meaningful ways, for others and for yourself.
Oh sure, it will get hard again, but we will get stronger, and can say that we beat the bad stuff back as many times as we could or ever had to.
Turn it up very loud,