Ok, I know I’m kind of hogging the internet, so a quick [written: long] post then I’m going to go to my handwritten journal for a few days, to attempt a private revelation.
I feel more comfortable and relaxed than I have in a long time. I told two more male friends, it took a little more explaining, but again the openness and love that can be forgotten exists shows out in full bloom.
My explanation has also grown a little more steadfast. Aside from carefully explaining that I am not a repressed homosexual, a cross-dresser or a transvestite, what I can get out now is that it is a difference in the relationship between my mind and my body. Maybe they need to see it to believe it, but I still trust them, even if I do end up with a shrill, untuned, squeaky voice.
You hear the phrase ‘man trapped in a woman’s body’, but it is crude and incomplete. To be transgender surely entails that even with the brain of a different gender, one is still subject to the hormones, social constraints, and the idea one must be wrong because how can you be in the wrong body? What I know now from reading is that in spirit form, I would have a hard time convincing myself that I was male, but I’d give a damn good shot at being female. Though, in spirit form, it’s all the same anyway, just different energies.
I admit that I have been rambling on in mad denial, it may be an open and expressive experience, but I am aware that it is profoundly unhealthy to not be dealing with things as they are. Again I have to remind myself that my intelligent thought doesn’t matter, it is not something I can justify or prove, it is just something that is.
My friends tell me simply, they love me, but I have to come to terms with it. If I am going to be anybody, I have to be myself. We have had some great conversations, admitting to being transgender has allowed each of them to open up even more to me. These are the bonds that grow stronger, an advantage I cannot ignore. I am a very lucky person. An old friend I love deeply held me in his arms for a long time and stroked my hair, I felt uncomfortable even though I enjoyed it, the act was made that I had to allow myself to be vulnerable, otherwise I would be stonewalling.
I am a girl I can’t really deny that. My name is Amy, and once I can reassure….(oh! revelation)…I don’t have to reassure the little boy crying at the window, I need to reassure the essence of who I am, the feminine self (or at least, the true self), that has had to spend so long suffering the ways of living as a male. As much as male life has been fun, it has been marked permanently by having the brain of a female. Obviously meaning no offence, whatever gender someone is, or not, it’s all good, embrace it!
The cold dread is warming into a creamy glow. Seems like I’m getting somewhere. Slight….elation.
See all you wonderful people soon.
Love and Peace signs,