I’m only consciously realising that I’m writing this to the world. I don’t like talking solely about myself, but at the minute I have to focus or I will lose myself. I’m rolling the die, every side is painted one. When a force arises, an opposition comes to meet it. One day when the global corporate mega-tyranny strikes the Endgame, we can’t have neglected our preparation, or we will become slaves. If we wait, it’s too late. On my personal level, a rise is building to either a meltdown or a revelation. I must win.
I’ve had two counselling sessions in as many days. One pointed out feminine mannerisms at particular times, we discussed identity, and tried to look at my denial and my egregious need to eat and take stock. The guy today I had been seeing for general maintenance, so I threw him the curveball. Not a flinch. The understanding of decent people has never been short of legendary to me. What he got me with was that it seemed from all the people I have told so far, the only person not to accept it is myself.
I’ve been struggling to come up with a term to describe it. I’ve said condition, but it is rejected because it’s wrong, so what is it? It it just…a thing? Is it neurological, biological? I can read about it all day but I still have to draw my own conclusions, I feel like my philosophical conviction is leaving me. There is a reason:
I am prejudiced.
I doubt I’m the first to do it, but in building a repressed personality within a male ego, I made myself dislike the idea of transgenderism. Not because of intolerance, but because it contradicts the idea of having to change anything about yourself…but then I’ve changed myself for the benefit of ‘fitting in’ this whole time. Layers dude! Life peels away like giant onions.
At work, the amount of grief I get for having a bobble with a flower is unreal. My mother at a restaurant this evening commented on how a man was carrying his bag. “Queer”, she tittered. Even as an out and out guy, what is the problem? It’s cool, it’s fun, it’s not BLAND. I guess other people get caught up in the wave of saying intolerant things without actually meaning them. I have been one of those people at times, loving of all, but happy to poke fun for the sake of irony. Many of these horrible faults are graciously falling away in a wave of shame.
Thankfully the nasty people of the world are brutish regardless, so it makes no difference. However, does this now mean that I can’t speak for being and ‘out and out guy’, because I have never been one, merely an emotional actor?
I told another friend, and I’ve decided on the small circle of trust I’m going to build to help each other through until I time where this is either resolved (repression!), or things start to change. He had to be told, and to be honest the feeling of him not knowing was unbearable. He didn’t freak out either, why am I the only one freaking out! Well, not freaking out, my mindset has plenty of automatic defence systems, and I know how incredibly lucky I am to have such awesome friends. A few other guys came over then and I couldn’t deal with it. So I had to go.
I’m going to tell two more male friends and my mum. Maybe. It’s a closely regular social circle and I need to be sure because it could spill. I’d probably admit it freely if challenged, but then, I haven’t changed enough about my presentation yet to have it matter, so it is dangerous. A risk.
They hug me now. They hug me because they can see that I want a hug, if they don’t, I ask for it. Hugging for all from me, ok? Eugh.
It’s all leading up to a monumental cry. This intolerance I have created, the last vestiges of maleness that wants to hang on is doing all it can so stop me from crying, because it knows it is the end. It also protects me in a way, because I need to be ready first. I’ve admitted it vocally to people at the speed of emotion, before thoughts can niggle their way in, that the ‘Clif’ part of me is pretty much gone already, and I didn’t get to say goodbye. Same person, but that awesome male now is mostly…I can’t describe it without sounding like I’m disassociating.
I really have to thank everyone who has talked to me thus far, it is so very nice. I’ve always thought it one of the greatest gifts, to be able to make someone feel good about themselves even just a little. Being a rockstar is cool and brings wonderful art, but when someone just makes you feel good for being you? There is little better. And I share this unto the world.
Ah….a beaming smile. When I beat depression this happened, get all the negative out, make room for that good stuff, make it automatic, know through all the horrible crap you may think about yourself that you are just as good and deserving of love as anyone else. Love for yourself! You are allowed to love yourself!!! Even if there is all that stuff going on, it’s ok! Just allow yourself to go “You know what? I’m actually pretty damn cool in a way!”
Mwahahahaha, goodbye dysphoria, hello denial! Ohhhhh, but I will get there. It is supremely important to realise that with the whole transgender thing, is that no matter if you do change, all the other problems in life will still be there. In fact, I imagine there is a whole lot more. Maybe that’s where the gravity of the situation exists, for me right now, this is only one issue in life, but what I really have to realise and accept is the weight of this issue against being able to live the rest of my life trying to repress it. The strength of my own mentality has become almost an enemy, when it could be converted to a great ally.
I’ll figure it out soon enough! I hope! Too busy with everyday life stuff to process it really.
Message to the future – Do you get it yet? Do you know what you are? Or have you stayed still? Are you comfortable in your skin?